Shock and Awe

 

I have so much I want to say right now...but the truth is, I don't even know where to start.

My heart is broken, but not for me. For you. Every fiber of my being wants to make things right for you. But I know I can't. All I can do is pray and be here to listen when you need me to. That's what friends do, that's what love does I guess. You put aside your own pain to lessen that of the person you love.

Love is such a strange creature. It's no wonder people never understand it. It doesn't seem to make sense. It's never predictable. And it never fails.  If it fails....then it wasn't really love.

Birthday Banter

So...it's your birthday.

It's kind of a bitter-sweet day for me.

Sweet because, well...it's your birthday. The day God saw fit to bring you into the world. So, to me...that's a pretty damned good reason to celebrate it. Granted, I know you aren't all about birthday celebrations like I am. But you have to know I'm not one to let your day go by without trying to make it special in whatever way I can.

Bitter because, well...because of obvious reasons. I miss you. Yeah. I said it. Not that you don't know it. I mean, you're a detective, there's no way you can't detect that. ;)  And last year I got to spend some of it with you...so...kinda missing that I suppose. Not that I'll ever tell you. I won't. But still. I'll still do what I can so that you know I'm thinking about you today and celebrating it with you in the only way I can.

Banter.

Happy Birthday, BA.

I think I can...I think I can

Things change.


That's just how life works. Our relationship is no different.

When I look back over the past year and a half, it's rather impressive how we have adapted what we are. I mean, if you look at where we started out, what we have been through, and where we are now...it's really nothing short of miraculous.  I often wonder what it is that keeps us from being able to move beyond one another.

I've told myself time and again that I could walk away from you. That little engine in my head chugging along..."I think I can. I think I can."  But I clearly can't. And you clearly can't. The reality is, we really do have something unique.  Something I wouldn't trade for a dozen "good" friends.

For whatever reason, you're still the person I want to tell first when things happen. Even knowing you are with someone else and I will probably never get to see you again face to face or feel your arms wrap around me when I need a hug...you're still the person who "gets" me more than any other person I know. And no matter what changes, I can only hope you know how much I still care about you, about our friendship, and how that will never change.

Something's Wrong...

I haven't posted in a while. Life has just been...well...life.  And, truth is...I've had you in some way. A small way, but you've still been there. And that's been enough.

Enough to get me through...enough to give me hope...enough to remind me.

Until today. Today something felt wrong. Something wrenched inside me. And you weren't there. You know me and my intuition. It's rarely wrong. I'm praying it's wrong right now. I didn't realize until this moment that I want you in my life...even if it's only in the small capacity that I have had you. I've been satisfied with that. I have my moments where I miss what we once had, but I also know that we can never have that again. I wouldn't want that again, even if we could. I'd want more, better.

But I'm smart enough, stable enough to know that it will never happen. And I'm okay with that...but I still like having you at the tip of my fingers. A smile, a laugh away. My brighter day when it all seems gloomy.

But something's wrong.

So many frogs...

Okay...I can totally understand the concept of kissing on the first date.  I mean, if you think you might actually like a guy you want to find out a few things as quickly as possible that a kiss can often tell you.

1. Are there any sparks? Let's face it, sparks are important.
2. Is he a terrible kisser? And yes, I'll admit this has been a deal breaker for me more than once.
3. What will he be like in bed? That's right...I said it.  How a man kisses you often gives decent insight into how he will be when it comes to being intimate.

But this can be a problem for a single girl, ummm...woman. At my age, I don't think the term girl really applies anymore. But the problem does. And I almost hate to admit, I've seen more frogs than I have wanted to in the last few months.

This, however, isn't just a girl problem.  I'm sure many men are feeling the same way.  In fact, I know they are.  I've talked with some of them.  I've gone out with some of them.  I've even kissed one or two of them (none have made it past the Big Three, though).

And here's what I'm coming to realize on my journey through the Frog Kingdom... I'm picky as hell.  But I have every right to be.  Yes...life is short and you miss every chance you don't take.  You also waste your time if you don't set free the froggies you know aren't going to turn into a prince (or princess for you guys out there). So keep that in mind.

The thing is this...my last relationship taught me this.  I deserve to kiss the prince.  Every time. And he's going to have to pass the Big Three, as well as make me laugh and get my ridiculously inappropriate sense of humor. I'm not going to settle for less than that absolutely unique chemistry I know exists just to keep kissing a frog that isn't going to magically transform after not doing so the first 4 to 5 tries.

If you know it isn't right...set the frog free and keep meandering around the pond. Eventually your prince will show up...

Meanwhile...do a little fishing to pass the time. ;)

It's Been A While...

I've tried to refrain from writing here, mostly because it seems like this has been nothing but my outlet for talking to you when I know I can't. Saying things to you that I just don't feel like I should in the reality of a text message or a phone call. It's almost like this is my last hurdle to jump over before I can move beyond you. But I've realized something in the past few weeks.

There is no getting over you.

Now, don't take that the way is actually sounds.  I don't mean it in the sense that I'll always be heartbroken or pitiful.  I think we both know that just isn't me.  I don't do pitiful.  Well, not unless I'm purposefully using it to try to get my way (think puppy dawg eyes while biting my bottom lip...that always seemed to work).

What I really mean is...you will always be a part of me. Always. Something you said to me has resonated and made me realize this.  You said, "you and I had a unique chemistry that will be difficult to replace." And the reality is...it won't be difficulty to replace.  It will be impossible.  You said yourself, it was unique.  I don't honestly think either of us will ever find that again.

So...I have to hope/wait/pray for something just as good in it's own way.  Better would be great, but I don't really know if that's a viable option.  Our chemistry was pretty damned awesome and I don't want to be unrealistic by thinking I'll find something better and then get my hopes shot down. I'm not a big fan of the 'crash and burn' outcome.  Hence the walls I seem to have done a bang up job at building lately.

It can only end in two ways...

Much like what I would imagine it takes to convince Lady GaGa it's a bad idea to go through the remaining food groups with future outfits...so is getting over us.  It's a process.

I have no idea what stage I'm at in said process.  This is harder than I thought it would be because you seemed to understand me and really know me on a level few people ever have.  Okay, only one other person.  And it makes me wonder how many men out there can really "get me" on such a level.  And so...the process continues.

Even though I've been through break-ups before, I somehow feel like I'm in new territory.  I wasn't married to you after all.  Truth is, I tried to imagine that once...and oddly I really couldn't see it.  Not really truly see it.  I wanted to see it.  I could see the day to day stuff that we had already done together, but I had a hard time imagining some of the things that are intimate beyond a physical level, beyond cooking dinner or hanging out on the couch watching Everybody Loves Raymond.

Don't get me wrong.  I loved you.  I still do, if I'm being honest about it.  But I can't help but think that deep down - in that core instinct I seem to have - I knew that kind of intimacy, that kind of future was never going to be a possibility because you couldn't offer all of yourself to me and so...I couldn't really see it.

And that's a strange concept, considering that I am fully aware of how relationships work.  Every person you date is going to have one of two outcomes.  You're either going to break up, or spend the rest of your life with them.

Yeah, I know, it's a sobering thought.  But it's true.

I guess I knew which one you were going to be, but...to use your own words...I wasn't ready to let you go.

Maybe I'm still not quite ready.

Intelligent DT

So, yeah...I miss you.
Like crazy really.

Right now I should be working.  I have 3 projects that all require my attention and all I can think about are dangling participles and double entendres.

It didn't help that I read something someone wrote on FB this morning that said, "when a relationship ends it isn't the attraction you had with the person or the physical interaction you miss, it's your friend."

How many times have I said that?  Seriously?  It's so true.  That's what I miss.  My friend.  You.  The way you get my humor, even without me saying a word...just from the smirk on my face.  And vice versa.

Some of the best moments between us never needed words.

Part of me wishes that we could just hang out. Be friends.  Even if there was nothing else to it.  I just miss that.  So much.

Screw this...I'm not ready

I thought I was ready.
I thought wrong.

I'm not ready for dating again. Not yet. Damn you, B.A.
Why are men such idiots?  You included really.  I wish I could say otherwise, but seriously.  You know I'm right.  What you did was idiotic.  I'm not going to sugar coat it.  But at the same time, you showed me things I want from a relationship.  Things that are apparently much harder to come by than I'd thought before you.

Okay, maybe before you I just didn't know some of it existed.  I'm not sure if I should thank you or curse you for that.  Either way.  I've been out with 3 guys.  None of them measure up.  I think I'm done.

If God wants me to find "him" then God just might have to put him on my doorstep with a t-shirt on that says "This is 'the one'. Love, God".  Yeah...I think I'll just wait for that to happen. ::rolling eyes::

Movies have it right...

We often sit around and kill ourselves
...emotionally...
with over-analyzing things.  I know I do.  You pointed that out to me on many occasions. :) And I admit. I analyzed what happened for a few days.  Then I let it go.  It doesn't matter how or why it happened.  What matters is that it did...and now it's over.  And I can handle that.  I can put that behind me and move on.  But the flashbacks.  Those damned things are beyond my control.

And they are just like the flashbacks you see in movies...those snippets of scenes that replay in our minds...yeah, they happen.  You close your eyes and the memories flash across in technicolor.

A vision of our hands as you hold yours up to mine and laugh at how you can close your fingers over the tips of my small hand and then our fingers intertwine.

You standing behind me smiling as I stand at the bathroom mirror. Being playful on the couch while watching Ridiculousness. A candlelit bathroom. You yelling into your phone thinking the louder you are the easier it is for Google to understand you. The feel of your kiss on my forehead. Everything about October 5th...and so many more.

Yeah...those flashbacks you see movie characters deal with.  That's pretty accurate.  Sometimes having such a great memory isn't a blessing.  It's a curse.  But I wouldn't trade a single memory for anything.  Well...except maybe for those last few.  They kinda sucked.  If anyone wants to trade a few good ones for those...I'd be willing to negotiate.

I take it back...

:::sigh:::

Garble Garble

I guess I just don't know what to say that hasn't already been said.
Hence the Garbling.
Yes...it still makes me smile.  That word (garble).  It was always kind of adorable when you'd get tongue tied and shy and that would come spilling out instead of what you really may have wanted to say. :)

Don't get me wrong.  This isn't one of those heartbroken, gut wrenched posts.  I'm fine.  I really am.  But that doesn't mean I don't miss talking and laughing with you.  I do.

I miss your way of making a boring day seem ridiculously entertaining.  I miss your quick wit. I miss being able to send you texts about inappropriate things that make me laugh.  I miss my friend....and Scrabble.  I really miss having someone to play Scrabble with who doesn't suck royally.  Seriously.

Oh well...garble garble garble garble....

Beauty From the Pain

They say your best writing comes from pain.
That's right.  Pain.
Think about it. Some of the best songs, poems, works of literature, all came from the fingertips of a gut-wrenched, heart-broken artist.

But there is beauty in the pain because there is life.  Not one of us can walk through this world without experiencing pain at some point.  And why would we want to?

Yes, every time our heart gets torn, or ripped to shreds, every time you feel the stab of a silver bladed tongue...it hurts.  But we heal. And when we do, there are scars.  Those scars are there for a reason.  Sometimes they protect us, keep the next attack from penetrating the scar tissue and therefore lessening the ache.  Sometimes they are simply there to remind us, to help us remember where we've been and keep us from making the wrong choices again.  Because the first time...it's a mistake.  The second time...it's a choice.

And as I was writing today, I realized how true a concept it is that some of my best work has come from a deep, dark place.  A place filled with raw emotion.  And isn't that the best kind of emotion? Raw. True. Realistic.  You can't fake that.  You can't pretend when those emotions flow onto paper.  They are real.  And real is more powerful than anything you could conjure up in your imagination.

With that said.  I have done some of my best writing the last 2 months. It's how I have coped.  It's how I've moved beyond the pain.  It's how I've talked to you and told you what I was feeling, without actually talking to you. It's how I've realized I will always miss our conversations, our connection, our times together...in some small way.  But it's also how I've come to see that I deserve so much more than you were capable of giving me at the time.

And all I can hope for right now is that God has something amazing planned from the choices I will make moving forward.
Beauty from the pain.

And We're Walking, We're Walking and...

...I might be "moving right along" but the damned scenery still reminds me of you at most every turn.

Even that hot guy...yeah, I went out with him.  But regardless of the fact that he looked a hell of a lot like Marky Mark (and you know I'm a fan of Mr. Wahlberg), all I could think about the entire date was you. And how dude would have probably needed the entire Funky Bunch to back him up enough to make me laugh and carry on even half the conversation you and I used to have.

I miss that.  I won't settle for anything less than that.

And those walls I used to give you grief about.  I learned a thing or two about construction from you.  Someone is going to need one hell of a wrecking ball.  I mean...I turned down another date with Marky Mark for heaven's sake.  Seriously.

It seems at this point, time is going to be both a friend and an enemy.  The more that passes, the less it hurts and the easier it is to walk among the scenery, think about you and smile.  However, the more that passes, the easier it is to get comfortable behind the walls, and fortify them.  I can't stop walking, though, can I?

Moving Right Along...

It's been a good week.  I made myself a promise last week.  Every time I think about you. Every time I want to text you...I write something instead.  Maybe a poem, maybe a few lines in the notebook I keep in my purse, or just a one liner.  Maybe even a chapter in my book.  Anything to divert me from texting you, and I did so in hopes it would help me stop thinking about you, too. Though I've come to understand that only time will stop that...or maybe that really hot guy who asked me out on Friday.  Okay...time.  It'll be time. But the hot guy has the potential to be a decent distraction at moments. Just sayin'...

I did realized some things by making myself adhere to the little "writing exercise" though.  I'm getting over it.  Over you.  Slowly.  But I can see the change.  I can talk about you and our relationship now without getting that distant, wistful undertone in my words. Wicked step-mommy pointed it out yesterday.  BFF made mention the day before.  So...proves it isn't just my imagination.

Doesn't mean I don't miss you.  I still do.

But I'm getting to a point that I miss what I thought we had too.  And I really want that...with someone. So...here I go.  Walking toward new doors to open.  Moving right along.

Letting Go...

There comes a moment in every life situation when you just know.  You know it's time to walk away. Time to just let go...

That time has finally come.

"Walking Away"

It was one of those times
when tears filled my eyes
and all I could do was walk on.
In that moment my heart
was falling apart,
walking away felt so wrong.
“Don’t look back,
stay on your path,”
a quiet voice whispered to me.
“You can’t act on a whim,
you can’t run back to him,
you just have to let this one be.”
So with pain in my chest
and shortness of breath
I fought against the impact
of walking away
of wanting to stay
of wanting to just run back.

What sucks the most...

...is that there are things that I just can't really share with anyone else at this point.  You're the only person who would "get it" or understand the significance of it.  And I'm really trying to keep my distance from you. But sometimes I need my friend...because he would totally get what I need to say or share!!!  And the fact that I can't just send you a text or call you and not have a care about doing so....well...that's what sucks the most.  Damnit.

You are words...

You will forever be words inked across the pages of my heart.
Words that dance along the edge of night, spinning stars and hanging moons.
Words that echo through my dreams and whisper your name when I least expect it.
Words haunting my soul that the black and white of paper could never understand.
Words that stir storms and calm oceans.
Words I will never regret, always ache for, and never cease to dream about.
Words I will forever cherish, forever miss, and forever search for.

One month later...

So....today has been a month.
Yeah.  A month.
Kinda hard to believe really.  In some ways it feels like yesterday, but in others it feels like a ridiculous amount of time since I've seen you.

It doesn't hurt as much.  Or as often.  But the missing you...that's worse.  I still think about, dream about, wish for the times we were together.  Talking.  Laughing.  Smiling.  Making out in the car, on the couch, the kitchen. :)
::sigh::
You had become one of my best friends...and I miss that.  You.  So much. (yes, so much I wrote it on my hand)

Wednesday I got a small consolation with our banter over the sign on the boardwalk.  It made me happy for a bit because that's what I miss the most.  Just being able to talk to you.  I know it was just a bit of texting...but it helped.

Today...I'm going to try not to think about what I lost a month ago.   But, truth be known, I try not to think about that every day.  I'm getting stronger.  I smile more than I fight tears when I think of you.  But that void in my life you used to fill...it's still void.  Which means...I still miss you.

Damned dreams...

Even on the days when I find I've been able to push the thoughts, the memories and the reminders aside when they show themselves...I can't seem to escape the dreams.  I guess my heart won't be fooled into thinking I'm moving beyond you.  Even if I can temporarily fool my mind.

Almost every night you're there. Somehow.  Someway. 

Some nights I find myself tangled with you. Sheets strewn, pillows thrown out of the way, and the temperature in the room ten degrees hotter than every other room in the place.

Some nights I'm curled up on the couch with you, talking, laughing...happy.

And the dreams where I'm straddled across your lap, your hand tangled in my hair, the heat of your mouth on my neck leading to the back and forth of pulling your lip softly between my teeth and you returning the favor...those seem to be the ones I have the hardest time shaking from my head throughout the day.  Today is one of those days.  

Never Had a Chance...

I've cried tears over the death of something that really never even had the chance to live.

Praying for you...

So I found myself praying.  Nothing all that unusual for me really.

I started off praying God would...
help me be stronger.
help me smile when I thought of you instead of hurt.
help me stop missing you so much.
help me find what I had with you...only with someone who can give me back what I deserve in a relationship.


And, as I prayed for myself, I felt like I was being selfish.  I should be PRAYING FOR YOU!
Why?  Because, regardless of how things turned out...I love you.  And I want you to find some peace and find a way to be the man I know you have the potential to be.

So....this is the prayer I prayed for you:

Abba Father (yeah...I'm not really a "Dear God" or "Dear Lord" kinda girl),

It's just me.  Again.  I know you're probably tired of me asking you to take away the ache...so I'll let ya know up front, this one isn't about me.  It's about B.A.

I have no idea what's going on in his life right now.  I have no idea what he's really dealing with, if he's hurting, or weary from the journey down this path he's chosen.  But You do. You can see what's in his heart, You've always been able to, even at all those times I couldn't.
Even now.
You know what he needs to get him through this.

Abba, I pray You will give him strength, courage, and the desire to be the man I know he can be.  The man I saw so many times.  The man who showed me more than I thought I was capable of seeing.

I want him to be happy.  You know I do.  I have always wanted that for him, even before the truth came out.  That hasn't changed. It never will.  But You and I both know, he isn't going to be truly happy unless he can live this life free from the walls we build around ourselves.  Help him tear those walls down and let the truth in.

Help him to see the beauty in what is REAL, and the possibility in letting go and letting You have a little more control in guiding him.  I know he knows who You are.  I just pray he will cling to that a little more strongly and do what is RIGHT for him, not necessarily what he feels pressured to do.

Help him to somehow know he's being prayed for, he's cared about, missed, and loved.  Most of all, forgiven.  And Abba, I know it's going to be a doozy for him, but help him to forgive himself.  I've been there.  It's not easy.  And I'm not asking You to make it easy for him...just make it possible.

And keep him safe.  Keep him focused.  I know his job can be dangerous, and at times, his life could very well depend on him being focused.  So, please keep him safe.  I know at one time I couldn't imagine my world without him in it...but now that it is, I still can't imagine this one without him.

I'm sure I'm missing something, but You know better than I do what he needs.  And, yes, I'm going to throw in one last selfish prayer request...remind him how much I cared about him.  Still care.  And let him somehow know I do miss him.  Every day.

Amen.

I Am a Liar

I tell people I'm fine.

Tell them it doesn't hurt as much as it actually does.
Tell them we just didn't see things the same.
Tell them I've already moved on emotionally.
I LIE!

And...I lied to you today.  I told you I was doing damned good.  I'm not.
For the most part, I guess I'm doing well. But I'm struggling to.
I have learned something about myself the last few weeks. I am strong as hell. I say that because I sat at trivia last night, with friends and with a man who truly wants more than friendship from me...and I laughed.  I smiled.  I played along with the game. I acted as if everything was peachy. But every other thought (at least) was of you. Was of us.

I remembered the first time you kissed me...(thank God we weren't sitting at the same table).  I remembered that we danced together that night.  Then I remembered the other times we played trivia.  I remembered the weekend of my birthday.  Being there was so much more fun with you.

And I missed you...the whole time I was there.  I missed you.  But I didn't cry...at least, not on the outside.
And the thing is...I didn't really miss the kiss as much as I missed YOU.  Just spending time with you.  Just BEING with you.

Damnit, I miss that.  It doesn't seem fair that I had to lose my friend.  If I ever find anyone to laugh with the way we laughed...it will be an act of God.  Because there wasn't one before you...I find it hard to believe there will ever be one again.  I've said it before...to other people...God doesn't give you anything you can't handle.  Well...

Apparently God thinks I'm a badass!!!

PB & J

Damnit.  I can't even fix myself a peanut butter & jelly sandwich without it reminding me of you.

Do you even miss me?

I am struggling.

I miss you.

I feel like you died and I never got the chance to say goodbye.

And it doesn't seem fair.  After all, you were mine too...in a lot of ways.  But I don’t get the opportunity to acknowledge any of what happened between us. I don’t get to look you in the eye so I can see if any of it was real. Hell, I don’t even get to hear your voice again. Except on that one voice-mail where you told me to get rid of my ringtone. :)

And it’s just as I thought it would be if this ever happened.  I actually miss YOU.  Talking to you, laughing with you.  You just made my day brighter.  You brought joy and laughter into every conversation and that was always what I really looked forward to with you. Our conversations.

Don’t misunderstand, I know what you did was wrong.  But you also told me the man I knew was really you.  And I really miss you. Him. Us. Our friendship.  Most of all that.  Who am I supposed to send the picture I saw this morning of goat penises packaged for sale at a grocery store to? No one else will find that as ridiculously funny as me, except you.

Not only that...you treated me the way I want to be treated by a man.  With respect.  You were always a gentleman...even when you weren't being a gentleman. (and I know you will know what I mean by that)

And, of course, I wonder...

Do you even miss me at all?