Never Had a Chance...

I've cried tears over the death of something that really never even had the chance to live.

I Am a Liar

I tell people I'm fine.

Tell them it doesn't hurt as much as it actually does.
Tell them we just didn't see things the same.
Tell them I've already moved on emotionally.
I LIE!

And...I lied to you today.  I told you I was doing damned good.  I'm not.
For the most part, I guess I'm doing well. But I'm struggling to.
I have learned something about myself the last few weeks. I am strong as hell. I say that because I sat at trivia last night, with friends and with a man who truly wants more than friendship from me...and I laughed.  I smiled.  I played along with the game. I acted as if everything was peachy. But every other thought (at least) was of you. Was of us.

I remembered the first time you kissed me...(thank God we weren't sitting at the same table).  I remembered that we danced together that night.  Then I remembered the other times we played trivia.  I remembered the weekend of my birthday.  Being there was so much more fun with you.

And I missed you...the whole time I was there.  I missed you.  But I didn't cry...at least, not on the outside.
And the thing is...I didn't really miss the kiss as much as I missed YOU.  Just spending time with you.  Just BEING with you.

Damnit, I miss that.  It doesn't seem fair that I had to lose my friend.  If I ever find anyone to laugh with the way we laughed...it will be an act of God.  Because there wasn't one before you...I find it hard to believe there will ever be one again.  I've said it before...to other people...God doesn't give you anything you can't handle.  Well...

Apparently God thinks I'm a badass!!!

I'll Keep Breathing

Air stings my lungs.

Cruel, vicious air.

Moisture rips at my eyes

begging, pleading to be released.
A soft voice whispers

“breathe, keep breathing”
Something inside refuses to listen.

Somewhere there is an answer

A release.

But where?

Where is my reminder?

My encourager?

The one I could count on to be there

to speak softly to me,

“keep breathing.”

I try to inhale, exhale...

but it hurts.

The air refuses to come painlessly.

The words, I remember the words,

they echo  within my soul

between the throbbing,

the pain.

Now every word feels like a lie.

A beautiful lie.

Maybe it was.

Maybe it wasn’t.

If not lies, they hurt all the same,

for the words are gone.

The whispers are gone.

They have fallen away.

Now my soul sits in silence,

ceases to feel, yet aches.

But I keep breathing.

So keep walking,

don’t look back,

keep moving in your direction,

keep living your life,

and I’ll just keep breathing.