Birthday Banter

So...it's your birthday.

It's kind of a bitter-sweet day for me.

Sweet because, well...it's your birthday. The day God saw fit to bring you into the world. So, to me...that's a pretty damned good reason to celebrate it. Granted, I know you aren't all about birthday celebrations like I am. But you have to know I'm not one to let your day go by without trying to make it special in whatever way I can.

Bitter because, well...because of obvious reasons. I miss you. Yeah. I said it. Not that you don't know it. I mean, you're a detective, there's no way you can't detect that. ;)  And last year I got to spend some of it with you...so...kinda missing that I suppose. Not that I'll ever tell you. I won't. But still. I'll still do what I can so that you know I'm thinking about you today and celebrating it with you in the only way I can.

Banter.

Happy Birthday, BA.

Something's Wrong...

I haven't posted in a while. Life has just been...well...life.  And, truth is...I've had you in some way. A small way, but you've still been there. And that's been enough.

Enough to get me through...enough to give me hope...enough to remind me.

Until today. Today something felt wrong. Something wrenched inside me. And you weren't there. You know me and my intuition. It's rarely wrong. I'm praying it's wrong right now. I didn't realize until this moment that I want you in my life...even if it's only in the small capacity that I have had you. I've been satisfied with that. I have my moments where I miss what we once had, but I also know that we can never have that again. I wouldn't want that again, even if we could. I'd want more, better.

But I'm smart enough, stable enough to know that it will never happen. And I'm okay with that...but I still like having you at the tip of my fingers. A smile, a laugh away. My brighter day when it all seems gloomy.

But something's wrong.

It's Been A While...

I've tried to refrain from writing here, mostly because it seems like this has been nothing but my outlet for talking to you when I know I can't. Saying things to you that I just don't feel like I should in the reality of a text message or a phone call. It's almost like this is my last hurdle to jump over before I can move beyond you. But I've realized something in the past few weeks.

There is no getting over you.

Now, don't take that the way is actually sounds.  I don't mean it in the sense that I'll always be heartbroken or pitiful.  I think we both know that just isn't me.  I don't do pitiful.  Well, not unless I'm purposefully using it to try to get my way (think puppy dawg eyes while biting my bottom lip...that always seemed to work).

What I really mean is...you will always be a part of me. Always. Something you said to me has resonated and made me realize this.  You said, "you and I had a unique chemistry that will be difficult to replace." And the reality is...it won't be difficulty to replace.  It will be impossible.  You said yourself, it was unique.  I don't honestly think either of us will ever find that again.

So...I have to hope/wait/pray for something just as good in it's own way.  Better would be great, but I don't really know if that's a viable option.  Our chemistry was pretty damned awesome and I don't want to be unrealistic by thinking I'll find something better and then get my hopes shot down. I'm not a big fan of the 'crash and burn' outcome.  Hence the walls I seem to have done a bang up job at building lately.

Intelligent DT

So, yeah...I miss you.
Like crazy really.

Right now I should be working.  I have 3 projects that all require my attention and all I can think about are dangling participles and double entendres.

It didn't help that I read something someone wrote on FB this morning that said, "when a relationship ends it isn't the attraction you had with the person or the physical interaction you miss, it's your friend."

How many times have I said that?  Seriously?  It's so true.  That's what I miss.  My friend.  You.  The way you get my humor, even without me saying a word...just from the smirk on my face.  And vice versa.

Some of the best moments between us never needed words.

Part of me wishes that we could just hang out. Be friends.  Even if there was nothing else to it.  I just miss that.  So much.

Garble Garble

I guess I just don't know what to say that hasn't already been said.
Hence the Garbling.
Yes...it still makes me smile.  That word (garble).  It was always kind of adorable when you'd get tongue tied and shy and that would come spilling out instead of what you really may have wanted to say. :)

Don't get me wrong.  This isn't one of those heartbroken, gut wrenched posts.  I'm fine.  I really am.  But that doesn't mean I don't miss talking and laughing with you.  I do.

I miss your way of making a boring day seem ridiculously entertaining.  I miss your quick wit. I miss being able to send you texts about inappropriate things that make me laugh.  I miss my friend....and Scrabble.  I really miss having someone to play Scrabble with who doesn't suck royally.  Seriously.

Oh well...garble garble garble garble....

Moving Right Along...

It's been a good week.  I made myself a promise last week.  Every time I think about you. Every time I want to text you...I write something instead.  Maybe a poem, maybe a few lines in the notebook I keep in my purse, or just a one liner.  Maybe even a chapter in my book.  Anything to divert me from texting you, and I did so in hopes it would help me stop thinking about you, too. Though I've come to understand that only time will stop that...or maybe that really hot guy who asked me out on Friday.  Okay...time.  It'll be time. But the hot guy has the potential to be a decent distraction at moments. Just sayin'...

I did realized some things by making myself adhere to the little "writing exercise" though.  I'm getting over it.  Over you.  Slowly.  But I can see the change.  I can talk about you and our relationship now without getting that distant, wistful undertone in my words. Wicked step-mommy pointed it out yesterday.  BFF made mention the day before.  So...proves it isn't just my imagination.

Doesn't mean I don't miss you.  I still do.

But I'm getting to a point that I miss what I thought we had too.  And I really want that...with someone. So...here I go.  Walking toward new doors to open.  Moving right along.