Shock and Awe

 

I have so much I want to say right now...but the truth is, I don't even know where to start.

My heart is broken, but not for me. For you. Every fiber of my being wants to make things right for you. But I know I can't. All I can do is pray and be here to listen when you need me to. That's what friends do, that's what love does I guess. You put aside your own pain to lessen that of the person you love.

Love is such a strange creature. It's no wonder people never understand it. It doesn't seem to make sense. It's never predictable. And it never fails.  If it fails....then it wasn't really love.

You are words...

You will forever be words inked across the pages of my heart.
Words that dance along the edge of night, spinning stars and hanging moons.
Words that echo through my dreams and whisper your name when I least expect it.
Words haunting my soul that the black and white of paper could never understand.
Words that stir storms and calm oceans.
Words I will never regret, always ache for, and never cease to dream about.
Words I will forever cherish, forever miss, and forever search for.

One month later...

So....today has been a month.
Yeah.  A month.
Kinda hard to believe really.  In some ways it feels like yesterday, but in others it feels like a ridiculous amount of time since I've seen you.

It doesn't hurt as much.  Or as often.  But the missing you...that's worse.  I still think about, dream about, wish for the times we were together.  Talking.  Laughing.  Smiling.  Making out in the car, on the couch, the kitchen. :)
::sigh::
You had become one of my best friends...and I miss that.  You.  So much. (yes, so much I wrote it on my hand)

Wednesday I got a small consolation with our banter over the sign on the boardwalk.  It made me happy for a bit because that's what I miss the most.  Just being able to talk to you.  I know it was just a bit of texting...but it helped.

Today...I'm going to try not to think about what I lost a month ago.   But, truth be known, I try not to think about that every day.  I'm getting stronger.  I smile more than I fight tears when I think of you.  But that void in my life you used to fill...it's still void.  Which means...I still miss you.

Never Had a Chance...

I've cried tears over the death of something that really never even had the chance to live.

Praying for you...

So I found myself praying.  Nothing all that unusual for me really.

I started off praying God would...
help me be stronger.
help me smile when I thought of you instead of hurt.
help me stop missing you so much.
help me find what I had with you...only with someone who can give me back what I deserve in a relationship.


And, as I prayed for myself, I felt like I was being selfish.  I should be PRAYING FOR YOU!
Why?  Because, regardless of how things turned out...I love you.  And I want you to find some peace and find a way to be the man I know you have the potential to be.

So....this is the prayer I prayed for you:

Abba Father (yeah...I'm not really a "Dear God" or "Dear Lord" kinda girl),

It's just me.  Again.  I know you're probably tired of me asking you to take away the ache...so I'll let ya know up front, this one isn't about me.  It's about B.A.

I have no idea what's going on in his life right now.  I have no idea what he's really dealing with, if he's hurting, or weary from the journey down this path he's chosen.  But You do. You can see what's in his heart, You've always been able to, even at all those times I couldn't.
Even now.
You know what he needs to get him through this.

Abba, I pray You will give him strength, courage, and the desire to be the man I know he can be.  The man I saw so many times.  The man who showed me more than I thought I was capable of seeing.

I want him to be happy.  You know I do.  I have always wanted that for him, even before the truth came out.  That hasn't changed. It never will.  But You and I both know, he isn't going to be truly happy unless he can live this life free from the walls we build around ourselves.  Help him tear those walls down and let the truth in.

Help him to see the beauty in what is REAL, and the possibility in letting go and letting You have a little more control in guiding him.  I know he knows who You are.  I just pray he will cling to that a little more strongly and do what is RIGHT for him, not necessarily what he feels pressured to do.

Help him to somehow know he's being prayed for, he's cared about, missed, and loved.  Most of all, forgiven.  And Abba, I know it's going to be a doozy for him, but help him to forgive himself.  I've been there.  It's not easy.  And I'm not asking You to make it easy for him...just make it possible.

And keep him safe.  Keep him focused.  I know his job can be dangerous, and at times, his life could very well depend on him being focused.  So, please keep him safe.  I know at one time I couldn't imagine my world without him in it...but now that it is, I still can't imagine this one without him.

I'm sure I'm missing something, but You know better than I do what he needs.  And, yes, I'm going to throw in one last selfish prayer request...remind him how much I cared about him.  Still care.  And let him somehow know I do miss him.  Every day.

Amen.

I Am a Liar

I tell people I'm fine.

Tell them it doesn't hurt as much as it actually does.
Tell them we just didn't see things the same.
Tell them I've already moved on emotionally.
I LIE!

And...I lied to you today.  I told you I was doing damned good.  I'm not.
For the most part, I guess I'm doing well. But I'm struggling to.
I have learned something about myself the last few weeks. I am strong as hell. I say that because I sat at trivia last night, with friends and with a man who truly wants more than friendship from me...and I laughed.  I smiled.  I played along with the game. I acted as if everything was peachy. But every other thought (at least) was of you. Was of us.

I remembered the first time you kissed me...(thank God we weren't sitting at the same table).  I remembered that we danced together that night.  Then I remembered the other times we played trivia.  I remembered the weekend of my birthday.  Being there was so much more fun with you.

And I missed you...the whole time I was there.  I missed you.  But I didn't cry...at least, not on the outside.
And the thing is...I didn't really miss the kiss as much as I missed YOU.  Just spending time with you.  Just BEING with you.

Damnit, I miss that.  It doesn't seem fair that I had to lose my friend.  If I ever find anyone to laugh with the way we laughed...it will be an act of God.  Because there wasn't one before you...I find it hard to believe there will ever be one again.  I've said it before...to other people...God doesn't give you anything you can't handle.  Well...

Apparently God thinks I'm a badass!!!

I've Been Wondering...

I’ve been wondering how to tell you something.  How to explain all that lingers excitedly, slowly, patiently, impatiently inside me.  How to make you see what it is I’m going through...with you there.  Me here.  What seems like worlds apart.

I’ve been wondering how to tell you.  How to bring life to the words.  How to let you know that everything inside me twists into knots when I think of you.  That it seems like each thought of you makes the wind hesitate, the sun blaze brighter, the stars burn away.  How do I tell you this?  Make you understand? 

I’ve been wondering how to make it through the next minutes, hours, days.  How much longer must time meander by before I can feel your warm breath against my skin?  Glimpse your inviting, kissable lips as they descend upon mine?  Take in your scent as I take you in?  How?

I’ve been wondering how to tell you how I feel....when all I really want to do is show you.   I want to climb into your lap, straddle your waist and wrap my arms around your neck...pulling you close to me, kissing you relentlessly.  I want to whisper softly in your ear, giving you a glimpse of what I have in mind for us.  I want to entice you into bed...and give you every reason to never want to leave.  I want to show you this, and so much more.  Show you what real love is, what it looks like, what it feels like.  But I’ve been wondering....how do I tell you all that hides

within my heart?

What I Want...

I want to be there when you decide it's okay to swim in the deep end of the pool.
I want to be the one jumping in with you.
I want to be the shoulder you lean on when you need one.
I want to be the best Best Friend you've ever had.
I want to be the smile and the kiss that is always on your lips.
I want to be the one that didn't get away.

What level does that put us on?

We seem to reach different levels in life without ever realizing it's happened.

Relationships are no different.

Love isn't either.

It's taken me a while, and an insane amount of life experience, to be able to see the variations.  Truth be told, there is no way I'd have been able to see it when I was 20 years old.  I didn't have the experiences to compare.  I couldn't look back and see how one level was different from another. 

It's crystal now. 

When I was 20...actually, even 5 years ago, if you'd have asked me what real love was about, I could have given you a deep, profound response.  A writer's response.  One influenced by the media, love stories I've read, songs I've listened to.  In other words...a skewed, manipulated response. 

That was then.
Then it would have been about how it felt.  How it made me feel.  I would have  described it in a way that really would have been more superficial than in-depth.

Today, I see it differently.  But even with my penchant for words, I'm not sure I can explain it in a way that will give it life or do it justice.  Today, I see it as being about the connection.  And it isn't the physical connection, at least not the sexually physical type.  Don't get me wrong...that is amazing with the right person.  But in order for that aspect to amaze, you have to connect on other levels first. 

I realized this recently and somewhat by accident, really.  Isn't that how it always happens?  When you're looking for answers or epiphanies, they rarely ever show themselves...but try to clear your mind and fall asleep at night and suddenly you're inundated with a writer's equivalent to Einstein's Theory of Relativity.  Answers.  To questions you probably didn't even realize you had.  But there they are.  Staring you down.  Daring you to acknowledge them.  So I did.

What I acknowledged is this:  When I'm not with him, I miss him.  And I can honestly say that I miss him.  Not the idea of him.  Not how he makes me feel or what he does for me.  Not just the idea of having someone in my life, but HIM.  The person he is.  Even if I don't get to see him, I want to talk to him.  I want to laugh with him and hear about his day.  I just want that interaction with him.  When something happens during my day, he is the first person I want to tell about it.  Even if it's something ridiculous.  Okay, that's not really a fair statement because if it's something ridiculous, I especially want to tell him.  Ridiculousness is kind of our thing. :)  

The point is this...looking back over other relationships I've had, I can see the difference.  I can see that before it was all about feelings.  But that's just one level...it's when you move beyond that level that things get real.  Things get interesting.  And they can get scary.  I admit, he scares me a little...mainly because I don't want to imagine my life without him.  Even if I could never kiss him again, fall asleep with my head resting on his chest, be entangled in his embrace...those wouldn't be the things I missed most.  It would be our conversations, the time I get to spend laughing with him, just being with him.  His friendship...that's what means the most to me.  And because of that level, every other level of connection I have with him is that much more amazing.