Shock and Awe

 

I have so much I want to say right now...but the truth is, I don't even know where to start.

My heart is broken, but not for me. For you. Every fiber of my being wants to make things right for you. But I know I can't. All I can do is pray and be here to listen when you need me to. That's what friends do, that's what love does I guess. You put aside your own pain to lessen that of the person you love.

Love is such a strange creature. It's no wonder people never understand it. It doesn't seem to make sense. It's never predictable. And it never fails.  If it fails....then it wasn't really love.

I Am a Liar

I tell people I'm fine.

Tell them it doesn't hurt as much as it actually does.
Tell them we just didn't see things the same.
Tell them I've already moved on emotionally.
I LIE!

And...I lied to you today.  I told you I was doing damned good.  I'm not.
For the most part, I guess I'm doing well. But I'm struggling to.
I have learned something about myself the last few weeks. I am strong as hell. I say that because I sat at trivia last night, with friends and with a man who truly wants more than friendship from me...and I laughed.  I smiled.  I played along with the game. I acted as if everything was peachy. But every other thought (at least) was of you. Was of us.

I remembered the first time you kissed me...(thank God we weren't sitting at the same table).  I remembered that we danced together that night.  Then I remembered the other times we played trivia.  I remembered the weekend of my birthday.  Being there was so much more fun with you.

And I missed you...the whole time I was there.  I missed you.  But I didn't cry...at least, not on the outside.
And the thing is...I didn't really miss the kiss as much as I missed YOU.  Just spending time with you.  Just BEING with you.

Damnit, I miss that.  It doesn't seem fair that I had to lose my friend.  If I ever find anyone to laugh with the way we laughed...it will be an act of God.  Because there wasn't one before you...I find it hard to believe there will ever be one again.  I've said it before...to other people...God doesn't give you anything you can't handle.  Well...

Apparently God thinks I'm a badass!!!

Do you even miss me?

I am struggling.

I miss you.

I feel like you died and I never got the chance to say goodbye.

And it doesn't seem fair.  After all, you were mine too...in a lot of ways.  But I don’t get the opportunity to acknowledge any of what happened between us. I don’t get to look you in the eye so I can see if any of it was real. Hell, I don’t even get to hear your voice again. Except on that one voice-mail where you told me to get rid of my ringtone. :)

And it’s just as I thought it would be if this ever happened.  I actually miss YOU.  Talking to you, laughing with you.  You just made my day brighter.  You brought joy and laughter into every conversation and that was always what I really looked forward to with you. Our conversations.

Don’t misunderstand, I know what you did was wrong.  But you also told me the man I knew was really you.  And I really miss you. Him. Us. Our friendship.  Most of all that.  Who am I supposed to send the picture I saw this morning of goat penises packaged for sale at a grocery store to? No one else will find that as ridiculously funny as me, except you.

Not only that...you treated me the way I want to be treated by a man.  With respect.  You were always a gentleman...even when you weren't being a gentleman. (and I know you will know what I mean by that)

And, of course, I wonder...

Do you even miss me at all?

I'll Keep Breathing

Air stings my lungs.

Cruel, vicious air.

Moisture rips at my eyes

begging, pleading to be released.
A soft voice whispers

“breathe, keep breathing”
Something inside refuses to listen.

Somewhere there is an answer

A release.

But where?

Where is my reminder?

My encourager?

The one I could count on to be there

to speak softly to me,

“keep breathing.”

I try to inhale, exhale...

but it hurts.

The air refuses to come painlessly.

The words, I remember the words,

they echo  within my soul

between the throbbing,

the pain.

Now every word feels like a lie.

A beautiful lie.

Maybe it was.

Maybe it wasn’t.

If not lies, they hurt all the same,

for the words are gone.

The whispers are gone.

They have fallen away.

Now my soul sits in silence,

ceases to feel, yet aches.

But I keep breathing.

So keep walking,

don’t look back,

keep moving in your direction,

keep living your life,

and I’ll just keep breathing.

I'm left with this...You're Gone.

It’s funny how the heart works...

even when it’s broken and weak

it still pulsates with haunting throbs.

It’s slow, drumming rhythm

taunting the mind with every beat.

Cruelly it refuses to die,

death would be too kind,

would bring too much relief.

I need relief. 

I need reprieve from this aching.

So I ask...

but all I am given are tears.

Tears are supposed to bring release,

but only bring more silent screams,

more quiet weeping.

Every attempt to gather the broken pieces,

to bind them together,

leaves my soul severed and bleeding,

engraved deeper with the realization

that you are gone.

That's...disappointing

It's seems like no matter what I might think one day... a day or two later I realize what an idiot I can be.
I get my hopes up...for what?  Just to get them stomped on and brought back down to reality.  People disappoint you.  Consistently.

Maybe you're on to something.  Maybe I should just blockade my heart, my emotions, my ability to hope, behind a fortress.  Maybe you could teach me how to do that.  How to convince myself I don't care...don't give a damn.  I'm beginning to see the upside to shutting that down. That can't possibly hurt as much as this does.

But if/when I do...it will shut down completely.  Good luck getting it back into the light of day.  My heart is kinda stubborn like that.  And right now...it's kind of shattered.

If I Wrote Your Name

If I wrote down your name
for every thought of you today
I could fill this page
and the next
and the next.
There’s just something about you
and the way you make me feel
something different
something scary
something extraordinary.
I can’t fall for you.
You’ll break my heart.
Part of me knows you could
knows I should walk away
knows I should save myself
but I can’t.
I can’t not talk to you.
I can’t stop hoping you’ll call.
I can’t stop thinking about you.
My heart won’t let me.
But I can’t tell you,
I can’t show you.
So for now...
I’ll just keep it to myself.

Lions & Tigers & Feelings, Oh My!

What the hell are you so afraid of?


Did someone really hurt you so badly that you can't tell someone you care about how you feel about them?   Are you so covered in scars that you don't recognize a genuine heart when it deeply cares about you?  Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?  Not that you won't let me inside those walls you have built around your heart...but that you won't even let your own heart out.  It hurts me, because that means you are hurt.  And you are continuing to hurt yourself without even realizing it. 

I care enough about you that I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me.  But if you don't get beyond whatever it is that is causing you to hold back telling someone how you feel...you will never have that.  You might be happy on the surface, but you're going to wake up one day and face the regret.  You're going to miss someone...someone you let slip away because you didn't/couldn't/wouldn't tell her how you felt or share just a little more of you with her.

You don't have to be in love with someone to tell them how you feel about them.  Love isn't always like we writers tell it in the story books.  Sometimes, you just care deeply, you just want to be with someone, spend time with them, immerse yourself in every moment you get with them.  That doesn't mean it's love...but it's something.  It's something you should tell them about.  And something is always so much better than nothing.  Because nothing is what you find yourself with if you don't.

But the truth is...it's isn't just about you not being able to tell me (or anyone) how you feel.  I don't necessarily need you to tell me.  I know you care about me.  I can feel it when we're together.  It's that every time we get closer, every time I can feel our connection get a little stronger...you retreat into your shell.  You back off.  Fewer texts, fewer phone calls.  You practically disappear. 

I can understand if you're scared.  I'm scared too.  But I'm more afraid of not living, of not experiencing the emotions and the happiness I find myself engulfed in when I'm with you.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to find this feeling somewhere else, with someone else. But that wouldn't be easy.  You're big shoes to fill. And that isn't what I want right now.

The sad part is, you have a woman in your grasp who is probably the least likely to ever hurt you, the most likely to do all she can to make you happy, a woman who understands who you are and doesn't want to change you...and you are going to let her slip away. 

Or is it just that I'm not that special (in your eyes, of course...because I'm special as f*#k)...

Regardless, I will move forward.  I will still be who I am - the happy, glass is always half full, positive, somewhat hyper, unpredictable bundle of energy I have always been.  But if you can't show me I'm important to you...someone else will just get to experience the thrill ride that is "Me."  Scary as that ride can be sometimes, it's never dull.

Fear of the Unknown

I admit it.  I’m a little scared.  There isn’t much that scares me either, so this is definitely an accomplishment on your part.  And this is one of those varieties of scared that can go either way.  It can be a good thing or a not so good thing.  That ball is in your court.  Which is why it scares me.  It’s that fear of the unknown thing I hear so much about but usually think is BS.  I feel like I should take back every time I’ve said that about someone’s fear now.  It’s real. 

Anyone who knows me well (and you do), knows that I roll with the punches.  I take life as it comes at me and I make the best of what it gives me.  Life gave me you and I have been taking it for what it is and enjoying the hell out of every moment.  The problem is, in the process, I’ve grown to want more of those moments to enjoy.  And now I am not so sure you feel the same . . . hence the unknown factor here.  I don’t want my happy moments to be taken away.  I don’t want them to dwindle until there are weeks in between, then nothing at all.  I deserve more than that.  And yes, I could easily and quickly find someone else to occupy my time with and I’m certain I’d enjoy myself.  I always try to.  But below the surface, it wouldn’t be the same.  It wouldn’t be you.  And that would be doubly terrible . . . because I’m not going to find another you and you are definitely not going to find another me. I do hope you think about that while you’re processing.  Because just as much as I want to be happy . . . I want you to be happy too.  So you have to ask yourself, do I make you happy enough to want more of those moments?