It can only end in two ways...

Much like what I would imagine it takes to convince Lady GaGa it's a bad idea to go through the remaining food groups with future outfits...so is getting over us.  It's a process.

I have no idea what stage I'm at in said process.  This is harder than I thought it would be because you seemed to understand me and really know me on a level few people ever have.  Okay, only one other person.  And it makes me wonder how many men out there can really "get me" on such a level.  And so...the process continues.

Even though I've been through break-ups before, I somehow feel like I'm in new territory.  I wasn't married to you after all.  Truth is, I tried to imagine that once...and oddly I really couldn't see it.  Not really truly see it.  I wanted to see it.  I could see the day to day stuff that we had already done together, but I had a hard time imagining some of the things that are intimate beyond a physical level, beyond cooking dinner or hanging out on the couch watching Everybody Loves Raymond.

Don't get me wrong.  I loved you.  I still do, if I'm being honest about it.  But I can't help but think that deep down - in that core instinct I seem to have - I knew that kind of intimacy, that kind of future was never going to be a possibility because you couldn't offer all of yourself to me and so...I couldn't really see it.

And that's a strange concept, considering that I am fully aware of how relationships work.  Every person you date is going to have one of two outcomes.  You're either going to break up, or spend the rest of your life with them.

Yeah, I know, it's a sobering thought.  But it's true.

I guess I knew which one you were going to be, but...to use your own words...I wasn't ready to let you go.

Maybe I'm still not quite ready.

And We're Walking, We're Walking and...

...I might be "moving right along" but the damned scenery still reminds me of you at most every turn.

Even that hot guy...yeah, I went out with him.  But regardless of the fact that he looked a hell of a lot like Marky Mark (and you know I'm a fan of Mr. Wahlberg), all I could think about the entire date was you. And how dude would have probably needed the entire Funky Bunch to back him up enough to make me laugh and carry on even half the conversation you and I used to have.

I miss that.  I won't settle for anything less than that.

And those walls I used to give you grief about.  I learned a thing or two about construction from you.  Someone is going to need one hell of a wrecking ball.  I mean...I turned down another date with Marky Mark for heaven's sake.  Seriously.

It seems at this point, time is going to be both a friend and an enemy.  The more that passes, the less it hurts and the easier it is to walk among the scenery, think about you and smile.  However, the more that passes, the easier it is to get comfortable behind the walls, and fortify them.  I can't stop walking, though, can I?

Moving Right Along...

It's been a good week.  I made myself a promise last week.  Every time I think about you. Every time I want to text you...I write something instead.  Maybe a poem, maybe a few lines in the notebook I keep in my purse, or just a one liner.  Maybe even a chapter in my book.  Anything to divert me from texting you, and I did so in hopes it would help me stop thinking about you, too. Though I've come to understand that only time will stop that...or maybe that really hot guy who asked me out on Friday.  Okay...time.  It'll be time. But the hot guy has the potential to be a decent distraction at moments. Just sayin'...

I did realized some things by making myself adhere to the little "writing exercise" though.  I'm getting over it.  Over you.  Slowly.  But I can see the change.  I can talk about you and our relationship now without getting that distant, wistful undertone in my words. Wicked step-mommy pointed it out yesterday.  BFF made mention the day before.  So...proves it isn't just my imagination.

Doesn't mean I don't miss you.  I still do.

But I'm getting to a point that I miss what I thought we had too.  And I really want that...with someone. So...here I go.  Walking toward new doors to open.  Moving right along.

Letting Go...

There comes a moment in every life situation when you just know.  You know it's time to walk away. Time to just let go...

That time has finally come.

"Walking Away"

It was one of those times
when tears filled my eyes
and all I could do was walk on.
In that moment my heart
was falling apart,
walking away felt so wrong.
“Don’t look back,
stay on your path,”
a quiet voice whispered to me.
“You can’t act on a whim,
you can’t run back to him,
you just have to let this one be.”
So with pain in my chest
and shortness of breath
I fought against the impact
of walking away
of wanting to stay
of wanting to just run back.