Something's Wrong...

I haven't posted in a while. Life has just been...well...life.  And, truth is...I've had you in some way. A small way, but you've still been there. And that's been enough.

Enough to get me through...enough to give me hope...enough to remind me.

Until today. Today something felt wrong. Something wrenched inside me. And you weren't there. You know me and my intuition. It's rarely wrong. I'm praying it's wrong right now. I didn't realize until this moment that I want you in my life...even if it's only in the small capacity that I have had you. I've been satisfied with that. I have my moments where I miss what we once had, but I also know that we can never have that again. I wouldn't want that again, even if we could. I'd want more, better.

But I'm smart enough, stable enough to know that it will never happen. And I'm okay with that...but I still like having you at the tip of my fingers. A smile, a laugh away. My brighter day when it all seems gloomy.

But something's wrong.

It can only end in two ways...

Much like what I would imagine it takes to convince Lady GaGa it's a bad idea to go through the remaining food groups with future outfits...so is getting over us.  It's a process.

I have no idea what stage I'm at in said process.  This is harder than I thought it would be because you seemed to understand me and really know me on a level few people ever have.  Okay, only one other person.  And it makes me wonder how many men out there can really "get me" on such a level.  And so...the process continues.

Even though I've been through break-ups before, I somehow feel like I'm in new territory.  I wasn't married to you after all.  Truth is, I tried to imagine that once...and oddly I really couldn't see it.  Not really truly see it.  I wanted to see it.  I could see the day to day stuff that we had already done together, but I had a hard time imagining some of the things that are intimate beyond a physical level, beyond cooking dinner or hanging out on the couch watching Everybody Loves Raymond.

Don't get me wrong.  I loved you.  I still do, if I'm being honest about it.  But I can't help but think that deep down - in that core instinct I seem to have - I knew that kind of intimacy, that kind of future was never going to be a possibility because you couldn't offer all of yourself to me and so...I couldn't really see it.

And that's a strange concept, considering that I am fully aware of how relationships work.  Every person you date is going to have one of two outcomes.  You're either going to break up, or spend the rest of your life with them.

Yeah, I know, it's a sobering thought.  But it's true.

I guess I knew which one you were going to be, but...to use your own words...I wasn't ready to let you go.

Maybe I'm still not quite ready.

I take it back...

:::sigh:::

One month later...

So....today has been a month.
Yeah.  A month.
Kinda hard to believe really.  In some ways it feels like yesterday, but in others it feels like a ridiculous amount of time since I've seen you.

It doesn't hurt as much.  Or as often.  But the missing you...that's worse.  I still think about, dream about, wish for the times we were together.  Talking.  Laughing.  Smiling.  Making out in the car, on the couch, the kitchen. :)
::sigh::
You had become one of my best friends...and I miss that.  You.  So much. (yes, so much I wrote it on my hand)

Wednesday I got a small consolation with our banter over the sign on the boardwalk.  It made me happy for a bit because that's what I miss the most.  Just being able to talk to you.  I know it was just a bit of texting...but it helped.

Today...I'm going to try not to think about what I lost a month ago.   But, truth be known, I try not to think about that every day.  I'm getting stronger.  I smile more than I fight tears when I think of you.  But that void in my life you used to fill...it's still void.  Which means...I still miss you.

Damned dreams...

Even on the days when I find I've been able to push the thoughts, the memories and the reminders aside when they show themselves...I can't seem to escape the dreams.  I guess my heart won't be fooled into thinking I'm moving beyond you.  Even if I can temporarily fool my mind.

Almost every night you're there. Somehow.  Someway. 

Some nights I find myself tangled with you. Sheets strewn, pillows thrown out of the way, and the temperature in the room ten degrees hotter than every other room in the place.

Some nights I'm curled up on the couch with you, talking, laughing...happy.

And the dreams where I'm straddled across your lap, your hand tangled in my hair, the heat of your mouth on my neck leading to the back and forth of pulling your lip softly between my teeth and you returning the favor...those seem to be the ones I have the hardest time shaking from my head throughout the day.  Today is one of those days.