I think I can...I think I can

Things change.


That's just how life works. Our relationship is no different.

When I look back over the past year and a half, it's rather impressive how we have adapted what we are. I mean, if you look at where we started out, what we have been through, and where we are now...it's really nothing short of miraculous.  I often wonder what it is that keeps us from being able to move beyond one another.

I've told myself time and again that I could walk away from you. That little engine in my head chugging along..."I think I can. I think I can."  But I clearly can't. And you clearly can't. The reality is, we really do have something unique.  Something I wouldn't trade for a dozen "good" friends.

For whatever reason, you're still the person I want to tell first when things happen. Even knowing you are with someone else and I will probably never get to see you again face to face or feel your arms wrap around me when I need a hug...you're still the person who "gets" me more than any other person I know. And no matter what changes, I can only hope you know how much I still care about you, about our friendship, and how that will never change.

It's Been A While...

I've tried to refrain from writing here, mostly because it seems like this has been nothing but my outlet for talking to you when I know I can't. Saying things to you that I just don't feel like I should in the reality of a text message or a phone call. It's almost like this is my last hurdle to jump over before I can move beyond you. But I've realized something in the past few weeks.

There is no getting over you.

Now, don't take that the way is actually sounds.  I don't mean it in the sense that I'll always be heartbroken or pitiful.  I think we both know that just isn't me.  I don't do pitiful.  Well, not unless I'm purposefully using it to try to get my way (think puppy dawg eyes while biting my bottom lip...that always seemed to work).

What I really mean is...you will always be a part of me. Always. Something you said to me has resonated and made me realize this.  You said, "you and I had a unique chemistry that will be difficult to replace." And the reality is...it won't be difficulty to replace.  It will be impossible.  You said yourself, it was unique.  I don't honestly think either of us will ever find that again.

So...I have to hope/wait/pray for something just as good in it's own way.  Better would be great, but I don't really know if that's a viable option.  Our chemistry was pretty damned awesome and I don't want to be unrealistic by thinking I'll find something better and then get my hopes shot down. I'm not a big fan of the 'crash and burn' outcome.  Hence the walls I seem to have done a bang up job at building lately.