Something's Wrong...

I haven't posted in a while. Life has just been...well...life.  And, truth is...I've had you in some way. A small way, but you've still been there. And that's been enough.

Enough to get me through...enough to give me hope...enough to remind me.

Until today. Today something felt wrong. Something wrenched inside me. And you weren't there. You know me and my intuition. It's rarely wrong. I'm praying it's wrong right now. I didn't realize until this moment that I want you in my life...even if it's only in the small capacity that I have had you. I've been satisfied with that. I have my moments where I miss what we once had, but I also know that we can never have that again. I wouldn't want that again, even if we could. I'd want more, better.

But I'm smart enough, stable enough to know that it will never happen. And I'm okay with that...but I still like having you at the tip of my fingers. A smile, a laugh away. My brighter day when it all seems gloomy.

But something's wrong.

Movies have it right...

We often sit around and kill ourselves
...emotionally...
with over-analyzing things.  I know I do.  You pointed that out to me on many occasions. :) And I admit. I analyzed what happened for a few days.  Then I let it go.  It doesn't matter how or why it happened.  What matters is that it did...and now it's over.  And I can handle that.  I can put that behind me and move on.  But the flashbacks.  Those damned things are beyond my control.

And they are just like the flashbacks you see in movies...those snippets of scenes that replay in our minds...yeah, they happen.  You close your eyes and the memories flash across in technicolor.

A vision of our hands as you hold yours up to mine and laugh at how you can close your fingers over the tips of my small hand and then our fingers intertwine.

You standing behind me smiling as I stand at the bathroom mirror. Being playful on the couch while watching Ridiculousness. A candlelit bathroom. You yelling into your phone thinking the louder you are the easier it is for Google to understand you. The feel of your kiss on my forehead. Everything about October 5th...and so many more.

Yeah...those flashbacks you see movie characters deal with.  That's pretty accurate.  Sometimes having such a great memory isn't a blessing.  It's a curse.  But I wouldn't trade a single memory for anything.  Well...except maybe for those last few.  They kinda sucked.  If anyone wants to trade a few good ones for those...I'd be willing to negotiate.