Shock and Awe

 

I have so much I want to say right now...but the truth is, I don't even know where to start.

My heart is broken, but not for me. For you. Every fiber of my being wants to make things right for you. But I know I can't. All I can do is pray and be here to listen when you need me to. That's what friends do, that's what love does I guess. You put aside your own pain to lessen that of the person you love.

Love is such a strange creature. It's no wonder people never understand it. It doesn't seem to make sense. It's never predictable. And it never fails.  If it fails....then it wasn't really love.

One month later...

So....today has been a month.
Yeah.  A month.
Kinda hard to believe really.  In some ways it feels like yesterday, but in others it feels like a ridiculous amount of time since I've seen you.

It doesn't hurt as much.  Or as often.  But the missing you...that's worse.  I still think about, dream about, wish for the times we were together.  Talking.  Laughing.  Smiling.  Making out in the car, on the couch, the kitchen. :)
::sigh::
You had become one of my best friends...and I miss that.  You.  So much. (yes, so much I wrote it on my hand)

Wednesday I got a small consolation with our banter over the sign on the boardwalk.  It made me happy for a bit because that's what I miss the most.  Just being able to talk to you.  I know it was just a bit of texting...but it helped.

Today...I'm going to try not to think about what I lost a month ago.   But, truth be known, I try not to think about that every day.  I'm getting stronger.  I smile more than I fight tears when I think of you.  But that void in my life you used to fill...it's still void.  Which means...I still miss you.

Do you even miss me?

I am struggling.

I miss you.

I feel like you died and I never got the chance to say goodbye.

And it doesn't seem fair.  After all, you were mine too...in a lot of ways.  But I don’t get the opportunity to acknowledge any of what happened between us. I don’t get to look you in the eye so I can see if any of it was real. Hell, I don’t even get to hear your voice again. Except on that one voice-mail where you told me to get rid of my ringtone. :)

And it’s just as I thought it would be if this ever happened.  I actually miss YOU.  Talking to you, laughing with you.  You just made my day brighter.  You brought joy and laughter into every conversation and that was always what I really looked forward to with you. Our conversations.

Don’t misunderstand, I know what you did was wrong.  But you also told me the man I knew was really you.  And I really miss you. Him. Us. Our friendship.  Most of all that.  Who am I supposed to send the picture I saw this morning of goat penises packaged for sale at a grocery store to? No one else will find that as ridiculously funny as me, except you.

Not only that...you treated me the way I want to be treated by a man.  With respect.  You were always a gentleman...even when you weren't being a gentleman. (and I know you will know what I mean by that)

And, of course, I wonder...

Do you even miss me at all?

I'll Keep Breathing

Air stings my lungs.

Cruel, vicious air.

Moisture rips at my eyes

begging, pleading to be released.
A soft voice whispers

“breathe, keep breathing”
Something inside refuses to listen.

Somewhere there is an answer

A release.

But where?

Where is my reminder?

My encourager?

The one I could count on to be there

to speak softly to me,

“keep breathing.”

I try to inhale, exhale...

but it hurts.

The air refuses to come painlessly.

The words, I remember the words,

they echo  within my soul

between the throbbing,

the pain.

Now every word feels like a lie.

A beautiful lie.

Maybe it was.

Maybe it wasn’t.

If not lies, they hurt all the same,

for the words are gone.

The whispers are gone.

They have fallen away.

Now my soul sits in silence,

ceases to feel, yet aches.

But I keep breathing.

So keep walking,

don’t look back,

keep moving in your direction,

keep living your life,

and I’ll just keep breathing.

I'm left with this...You're Gone.

It’s funny how the heart works...

even when it’s broken and weak

it still pulsates with haunting throbs.

It’s slow, drumming rhythm

taunting the mind with every beat.

Cruelly it refuses to die,

death would be too kind,

would bring too much relief.

I need relief. 

I need reprieve from this aching.

So I ask...

but all I am given are tears.

Tears are supposed to bring release,

but only bring more silent screams,

more quiet weeping.

Every attempt to gather the broken pieces,

to bind them together,

leaves my soul severed and bleeding,

engraved deeper with the realization

that you are gone.

That's...disappointing

It's seems like no matter what I might think one day... a day or two later I realize what an idiot I can be.
I get my hopes up...for what?  Just to get them stomped on and brought back down to reality.  People disappoint you.  Consistently.

Maybe you're on to something.  Maybe I should just blockade my heart, my emotions, my ability to hope, behind a fortress.  Maybe you could teach me how to do that.  How to convince myself I don't care...don't give a damn.  I'm beginning to see the upside to shutting that down. That can't possibly hurt as much as this does.

But if/when I do...it will shut down completely.  Good luck getting it back into the light of day.  My heart is kinda stubborn like that.  And right now...it's kind of shattered.