Shock and Awe

 

I have so much I want to say right now...but the truth is, I don't even know where to start.

My heart is broken, but not for me. For you. Every fiber of my being wants to make things right for you. But I know I can't. All I can do is pray and be here to listen when you need me to. That's what friends do, that's what love does I guess. You put aside your own pain to lessen that of the person you love.

Love is such a strange creature. It's no wonder people never understand it. It doesn't seem to make sense. It's never predictable. And it never fails.  If it fails....then it wasn't really love.

I think I can...I think I can

Things change.


That's just how life works. Our relationship is no different.

When I look back over the past year and a half, it's rather impressive how we have adapted what we are. I mean, if you look at where we started out, what we have been through, and where we are now...it's really nothing short of miraculous.  I often wonder what it is that keeps us from being able to move beyond one another.

I've told myself time and again that I could walk away from you. That little engine in my head chugging along..."I think I can. I think I can."  But I clearly can't. And you clearly can't. The reality is, we really do have something unique.  Something I wouldn't trade for a dozen "good" friends.

For whatever reason, you're still the person I want to tell first when things happen. Even knowing you are with someone else and I will probably never get to see you again face to face or feel your arms wrap around me when I need a hug...you're still the person who "gets" me more than any other person I know. And no matter what changes, I can only hope you know how much I still care about you, about our friendship, and how that will never change.

Something's Wrong...

I haven't posted in a while. Life has just been...well...life.  And, truth is...I've had you in some way. A small way, but you've still been there. And that's been enough.

Enough to get me through...enough to give me hope...enough to remind me.

Until today. Today something felt wrong. Something wrenched inside me. And you weren't there. You know me and my intuition. It's rarely wrong. I'm praying it's wrong right now. I didn't realize until this moment that I want you in my life...even if it's only in the small capacity that I have had you. I've been satisfied with that. I have my moments where I miss what we once had, but I also know that we can never have that again. I wouldn't want that again, even if we could. I'd want more, better.

But I'm smart enough, stable enough to know that it will never happen. And I'm okay with that...but I still like having you at the tip of my fingers. A smile, a laugh away. My brighter day when it all seems gloomy.

But something's wrong.

Intelligent DT

So, yeah...I miss you.
Like crazy really.

Right now I should be working.  I have 3 projects that all require my attention and all I can think about are dangling participles and double entendres.

It didn't help that I read something someone wrote on FB this morning that said, "when a relationship ends it isn't the attraction you had with the person or the physical interaction you miss, it's your friend."

How many times have I said that?  Seriously?  It's so true.  That's what I miss.  My friend.  You.  The way you get my humor, even without me saying a word...just from the smirk on my face.  And vice versa.

Some of the best moments between us never needed words.

Part of me wishes that we could just hang out. Be friends.  Even if there was nothing else to it.  I just miss that.  So much.