Moving Right Along...

It's been a good week.  I made myself a promise last week.  Every time I think about you. Every time I want to text you...I write something instead.  Maybe a poem, maybe a few lines in the notebook I keep in my purse, or just a one liner.  Maybe even a chapter in my book.  Anything to divert me from texting you, and I did so in hopes it would help me stop thinking about you, too. Though I've come to understand that only time will stop that...or maybe that really hot guy who asked me out on Friday.  Okay...time.  It'll be time. But the hot guy has the potential to be a decent distraction at moments. Just sayin'...

I did realized some things by making myself adhere to the little "writing exercise" though.  I'm getting over it.  Over you.  Slowly.  But I can see the change.  I can talk about you and our relationship now without getting that distant, wistful undertone in my words. Wicked step-mommy pointed it out yesterday.  BFF made mention the day before.  So...proves it isn't just my imagination.

Doesn't mean I don't miss you.  I still do.

But I'm getting to a point that I miss what I thought we had too.  And I really want that...with someone. So...here I go.  Walking toward new doors to open.  Moving right along.

Praying for you...

So I found myself praying.  Nothing all that unusual for me really.

I started off praying God would...
help me be stronger.
help me smile when I thought of you instead of hurt.
help me stop missing you so much.
help me find what I had with you...only with someone who can give me back what I deserve in a relationship.


And, as I prayed for myself, I felt like I was being selfish.  I should be PRAYING FOR YOU!
Why?  Because, regardless of how things turned out...I love you.  And I want you to find some peace and find a way to be the man I know you have the potential to be.

So....this is the prayer I prayed for you:

Abba Father (yeah...I'm not really a "Dear God" or "Dear Lord" kinda girl),

It's just me.  Again.  I know you're probably tired of me asking you to take away the ache...so I'll let ya know up front, this one isn't about me.  It's about B.A.

I have no idea what's going on in his life right now.  I have no idea what he's really dealing with, if he's hurting, or weary from the journey down this path he's chosen.  But You do. You can see what's in his heart, You've always been able to, even at all those times I couldn't.
Even now.
You know what he needs to get him through this.

Abba, I pray You will give him strength, courage, and the desire to be the man I know he can be.  The man I saw so many times.  The man who showed me more than I thought I was capable of seeing.

I want him to be happy.  You know I do.  I have always wanted that for him, even before the truth came out.  That hasn't changed. It never will.  But You and I both know, he isn't going to be truly happy unless he can live this life free from the walls we build around ourselves.  Help him tear those walls down and let the truth in.

Help him to see the beauty in what is REAL, and the possibility in letting go and letting You have a little more control in guiding him.  I know he knows who You are.  I just pray he will cling to that a little more strongly and do what is RIGHT for him, not necessarily what he feels pressured to do.

Help him to somehow know he's being prayed for, he's cared about, missed, and loved.  Most of all, forgiven.  And Abba, I know it's going to be a doozy for him, but help him to forgive himself.  I've been there.  It's not easy.  And I'm not asking You to make it easy for him...just make it possible.

And keep him safe.  Keep him focused.  I know his job can be dangerous, and at times, his life could very well depend on him being focused.  So, please keep him safe.  I know at one time I couldn't imagine my world without him in it...but now that it is, I still can't imagine this one without him.

I'm sure I'm missing something, but You know better than I do what he needs.  And, yes, I'm going to throw in one last selfish prayer request...remind him how much I cared about him.  Still care.  And let him somehow know I do miss him.  Every day.

Amen.

I'd Like to Say I'm Over It...But

...I'm not.

I wish I were already.  I wish I could just say "screw it and screw you" and I suppose I could say those things.  But I wouldn't really mean them and I'd still cry myself to sleep, wake up with eyes that look like I'd been on a drinking binge for three days and then mope around secretly missing you for God knows how long while no one really knows because on the outside I'd still be happy-go-lucky me. Faking it, for a few reasons.

One: for whatever mysterious reason, I don't want to hear everyone badmouthing you. That wouldn't make me feel better. Two: I really just don't want to talk about it, I prefer to cry privately when something reminds me how much I miss you already. And three: the phrase "fake it till you make it" comes to mind. I think to a degree, you taught me that. I'm just going to pretend I'm fine, that I don't have feelings.  Eventually, maybe I'll begin to believe myself.

Besides, it would be nothing more than a sad attempt at a defense mechanism. See what you've done?

I started out so logical too.  When I met you, my mind was totally in charge.  And then you kissed me (which I absolutely loved, btw).  And you "courted" me.  And you opened up to me and made me feel like it was safe to open up to you.  And then...BAM!  The door slammed.  And suddenly I was at war...with myself.

Mind vs. Heart.

I can't help wondering how long this fight will go on.  I hate that my heart is winning the battle.  Damn emotions.  Damn you (not really).  How did you manage to do this?

Every once in a while a little something seeps through and gives me enough hope to hold on to.  Enough to want to see if maybe you're capable of opening up to me and giving me some semblance of insight into why.  But I don't know how long I'm going to keep believing in hope.  It's a wishy washy little bastard.  I've said it before, likely will again...I loved having you in my life.  I'm not over that.  If I had to bet on it, I'd say I'll never be over that.  After all that has happened, what I miss the most is our friendship. My friend. The one I laughed with.  The man who I wanted to share things with.  I don't regret the times we enjoyed together.  Not one.  Regardless of all else that happens, has happened...I can't imagine not having enjoyed having you in my life.  And yes, I miss you...or at least the you I knew.  Terribly.  I think that part was real.

You actually are an amazing man...with one exception.  You can't be honest...not even with yourself.  You just can't seem to open yourself up enough to truly, wholeheartedly let someone show you what real love can do. And that's sad, because you are lovable.  I loved you. Love you. Present tense.  I'd like to say I'm over that too...But I'm not.