Moving Right Along...

It's been a good week.  I made myself a promise last week.  Every time I think about you. Every time I want to text you...I write something instead.  Maybe a poem, maybe a few lines in the notebook I keep in my purse, or just a one liner.  Maybe even a chapter in my book.  Anything to divert me from texting you, and I did so in hopes it would help me stop thinking about you, too. Though I've come to understand that only time will stop that...or maybe that really hot guy who asked me out on Friday.  Okay...time.  It'll be time. But the hot guy has the potential to be a decent distraction at moments. Just sayin'...

I did realized some things by making myself adhere to the little "writing exercise" though.  I'm getting over it.  Over you.  Slowly.  But I can see the change.  I can talk about you and our relationship now without getting that distant, wistful undertone in my words. Wicked step-mommy pointed it out yesterday.  BFF made mention the day before.  So...proves it isn't just my imagination.

Doesn't mean I don't miss you.  I still do.

But I'm getting to a point that I miss what I thought we had too.  And I really want that...with someone. So...here I go.  Walking toward new doors to open.  Moving right along.

Letting Go...

There comes a moment in every life situation when you just know.  You know it's time to walk away. Time to just let go...

That time has finally come.

"Walking Away"

It was one of those times
when tears filled my eyes
and all I could do was walk on.
In that moment my heart
was falling apart,
walking away felt so wrong.
“Don’t look back,
stay on your path,”
a quiet voice whispered to me.
“You can’t act on a whim,
you can’t run back to him,
you just have to let this one be.”
So with pain in my chest
and shortness of breath
I fought against the impact
of walking away
of wanting to stay
of wanting to just run back.

What sucks the most...

...is that there are things that I just can't really share with anyone else at this point.  You're the only person who would "get it" or understand the significance of it.  And I'm really trying to keep my distance from you. But sometimes I need my friend...because he would totally get what I need to say or share!!!  And the fact that I can't just send you a text or call you and not have a care about doing so....well...that's what sucks the most.  Damnit.

You are words...

You will forever be words inked across the pages of my heart.
Words that dance along the edge of night, spinning stars and hanging moons.
Words that echo through my dreams and whisper your name when I least expect it.
Words haunting my soul that the black and white of paper could never understand.
Words that stir storms and calm oceans.
Words I will never regret, always ache for, and never cease to dream about.
Words I will forever cherish, forever miss, and forever search for.

One month later...

So....today has been a month.
Yeah.  A month.
Kinda hard to believe really.  In some ways it feels like yesterday, but in others it feels like a ridiculous amount of time since I've seen you.

It doesn't hurt as much.  Or as often.  But the missing you...that's worse.  I still think about, dream about, wish for the times we were together.  Talking.  Laughing.  Smiling.  Making out in the car, on the couch, the kitchen. :)
::sigh::
You had become one of my best friends...and I miss that.  You.  So much. (yes, so much I wrote it on my hand)

Wednesday I got a small consolation with our banter over the sign on the boardwalk.  It made me happy for a bit because that's what I miss the most.  Just being able to talk to you.  I know it was just a bit of texting...but it helped.

Today...I'm going to try not to think about what I lost a month ago.   But, truth be known, I try not to think about that every day.  I'm getting stronger.  I smile more than I fight tears when I think of you.  But that void in my life you used to fill...it's still void.  Which means...I still miss you.

Damned dreams...

Even on the days when I find I've been able to push the thoughts, the memories and the reminders aside when they show themselves...I can't seem to escape the dreams.  I guess my heart won't be fooled into thinking I'm moving beyond you.  Even if I can temporarily fool my mind.

Almost every night you're there. Somehow.  Someway. 

Some nights I find myself tangled with you. Sheets strewn, pillows thrown out of the way, and the temperature in the room ten degrees hotter than every other room in the place.

Some nights I'm curled up on the couch with you, talking, laughing...happy.

And the dreams where I'm straddled across your lap, your hand tangled in my hair, the heat of your mouth on my neck leading to the back and forth of pulling your lip softly between my teeth and you returning the favor...those seem to be the ones I have the hardest time shaking from my head throughout the day.  Today is one of those days.  

Never Had a Chance...

I've cried tears over the death of something that really never even had the chance to live.

Praying for you...

So I found myself praying.  Nothing all that unusual for me really.

I started off praying God would...
help me be stronger.
help me smile when I thought of you instead of hurt.
help me stop missing you so much.
help me find what I had with you...only with someone who can give me back what I deserve in a relationship.


And, as I prayed for myself, I felt like I was being selfish.  I should be PRAYING FOR YOU!
Why?  Because, regardless of how things turned out...I love you.  And I want you to find some peace and find a way to be the man I know you have the potential to be.

So....this is the prayer I prayed for you:

Abba Father (yeah...I'm not really a "Dear God" or "Dear Lord" kinda girl),

It's just me.  Again.  I know you're probably tired of me asking you to take away the ache...so I'll let ya know up front, this one isn't about me.  It's about B.A.

I have no idea what's going on in his life right now.  I have no idea what he's really dealing with, if he's hurting, or weary from the journey down this path he's chosen.  But You do. You can see what's in his heart, You've always been able to, even at all those times I couldn't.
Even now.
You know what he needs to get him through this.

Abba, I pray You will give him strength, courage, and the desire to be the man I know he can be.  The man I saw so many times.  The man who showed me more than I thought I was capable of seeing.

I want him to be happy.  You know I do.  I have always wanted that for him, even before the truth came out.  That hasn't changed. It never will.  But You and I both know, he isn't going to be truly happy unless he can live this life free from the walls we build around ourselves.  Help him tear those walls down and let the truth in.

Help him to see the beauty in what is REAL, and the possibility in letting go and letting You have a little more control in guiding him.  I know he knows who You are.  I just pray he will cling to that a little more strongly and do what is RIGHT for him, not necessarily what he feels pressured to do.

Help him to somehow know he's being prayed for, he's cared about, missed, and loved.  Most of all, forgiven.  And Abba, I know it's going to be a doozy for him, but help him to forgive himself.  I've been there.  It's not easy.  And I'm not asking You to make it easy for him...just make it possible.

And keep him safe.  Keep him focused.  I know his job can be dangerous, and at times, his life could very well depend on him being focused.  So, please keep him safe.  I know at one time I couldn't imagine my world without him in it...but now that it is, I still can't imagine this one without him.

I'm sure I'm missing something, but You know better than I do what he needs.  And, yes, I'm going to throw in one last selfish prayer request...remind him how much I cared about him.  Still care.  And let him somehow know I do miss him.  Every day.

Amen.

I Am a Liar

I tell people I'm fine.

Tell them it doesn't hurt as much as it actually does.
Tell them we just didn't see things the same.
Tell them I've already moved on emotionally.
I LIE!

And...I lied to you today.  I told you I was doing damned good.  I'm not.
For the most part, I guess I'm doing well. But I'm struggling to.
I have learned something about myself the last few weeks. I am strong as hell. I say that because I sat at trivia last night, with friends and with a man who truly wants more than friendship from me...and I laughed.  I smiled.  I played along with the game. I acted as if everything was peachy. But every other thought (at least) was of you. Was of us.

I remembered the first time you kissed me...(thank God we weren't sitting at the same table).  I remembered that we danced together that night.  Then I remembered the other times we played trivia.  I remembered the weekend of my birthday.  Being there was so much more fun with you.

And I missed you...the whole time I was there.  I missed you.  But I didn't cry...at least, not on the outside.
And the thing is...I didn't really miss the kiss as much as I missed YOU.  Just spending time with you.  Just BEING with you.

Damnit, I miss that.  It doesn't seem fair that I had to lose my friend.  If I ever find anyone to laugh with the way we laughed...it will be an act of God.  Because there wasn't one before you...I find it hard to believe there will ever be one again.  I've said it before...to other people...God doesn't give you anything you can't handle.  Well...

Apparently God thinks I'm a badass!!!