PB & J

Damnit.  I can't even fix myself a peanut butter & jelly sandwich without it reminding me of you.

Do you even miss me?

I am struggling.

I miss you.

I feel like you died and I never got the chance to say goodbye.

And it doesn't seem fair.  After all, you were mine too...in a lot of ways.  But I don’t get the opportunity to acknowledge any of what happened between us. I don’t get to look you in the eye so I can see if any of it was real. Hell, I don’t even get to hear your voice again. Except on that one voice-mail where you told me to get rid of my ringtone. :)

And it’s just as I thought it would be if this ever happened.  I actually miss YOU.  Talking to you, laughing with you.  You just made my day brighter.  You brought joy and laughter into every conversation and that was always what I really looked forward to with you. Our conversations.

Don’t misunderstand, I know what you did was wrong.  But you also told me the man I knew was really you.  And I really miss you. Him. Us. Our friendship.  Most of all that.  Who am I supposed to send the picture I saw this morning of goat penises packaged for sale at a grocery store to? No one else will find that as ridiculously funny as me, except you.

Not only that...you treated me the way I want to be treated by a man.  With respect.  You were always a gentleman...even when you weren't being a gentleman. (and I know you will know what I mean by that)

And, of course, I wonder...

Do you even miss me at all?

I'll Keep Breathing

Air stings my lungs.

Cruel, vicious air.

Moisture rips at my eyes

begging, pleading to be released.
A soft voice whispers

“breathe, keep breathing”
Something inside refuses to listen.

Somewhere there is an answer

A release.

But where?

Where is my reminder?

My encourager?

The one I could count on to be there

to speak softly to me,

“keep breathing.”

I try to inhale, exhale...

but it hurts.

The air refuses to come painlessly.

The words, I remember the words,

they echo  within my soul

between the throbbing,

the pain.

Now every word feels like a lie.

A beautiful lie.

Maybe it was.

Maybe it wasn’t.

If not lies, they hurt all the same,

for the words are gone.

The whispers are gone.

They have fallen away.

Now my soul sits in silence,

ceases to feel, yet aches.

But I keep breathing.

So keep walking,

don’t look back,

keep moving in your direction,

keep living your life,

and I’ll just keep breathing.

I'm left with this...You're Gone.

It’s funny how the heart works...

even when it’s broken and weak

it still pulsates with haunting throbs.

It’s slow, drumming rhythm

taunting the mind with every beat.

Cruelly it refuses to die,

death would be too kind,

would bring too much relief.

I need relief. 

I need reprieve from this aching.

So I ask...

but all I am given are tears.

Tears are supposed to bring release,

but only bring more silent screams,

more quiet weeping.

Every attempt to gather the broken pieces,

to bind them together,

leaves my soul severed and bleeding,

engraved deeper with the realization

that you are gone.

I'd Like to Say I'm Over It...But

...I'm not.

I wish I were already.  I wish I could just say "screw it and screw you" and I suppose I could say those things.  But I wouldn't really mean them and I'd still cry myself to sleep, wake up with eyes that look like I'd been on a drinking binge for three days and then mope around secretly missing you for God knows how long while no one really knows because on the outside I'd still be happy-go-lucky me. Faking it, for a few reasons.

One: for whatever mysterious reason, I don't want to hear everyone badmouthing you. That wouldn't make me feel better. Two: I really just don't want to talk about it, I prefer to cry privately when something reminds me how much I miss you already. And three: the phrase "fake it till you make it" comes to mind. I think to a degree, you taught me that. I'm just going to pretend I'm fine, that I don't have feelings.  Eventually, maybe I'll begin to believe myself.

Besides, it would be nothing more than a sad attempt at a defense mechanism. See what you've done?

I started out so logical too.  When I met you, my mind was totally in charge.  And then you kissed me (which I absolutely loved, btw).  And you "courted" me.  And you opened up to me and made me feel like it was safe to open up to you.  And then...BAM!  The door slammed.  And suddenly I was at war...with myself.

Mind vs. Heart.

I can't help wondering how long this fight will go on.  I hate that my heart is winning the battle.  Damn emotions.  Damn you (not really).  How did you manage to do this?

Every once in a while a little something seeps through and gives me enough hope to hold on to.  Enough to want to see if maybe you're capable of opening up to me and giving me some semblance of insight into why.  But I don't know how long I'm going to keep believing in hope.  It's a wishy washy little bastard.  I've said it before, likely will again...I loved having you in my life.  I'm not over that.  If I had to bet on it, I'd say I'll never be over that.  After all that has happened, what I miss the most is our friendship. My friend. The one I laughed with.  The man who I wanted to share things with.  I don't regret the times we enjoyed together.  Not one.  Regardless of all else that happens, has happened...I can't imagine not having enjoyed having you in my life.  And yes, I miss you...or at least the you I knew.  Terribly.  I think that part was real.

You actually are an amazing man...with one exception.  You can't be honest...not even with yourself.  You just can't seem to open yourself up enough to truly, wholeheartedly let someone show you what real love can do. And that's sad, because you are lovable.  I loved you. Love you. Present tense.  I'd like to say I'm over that too...But I'm not.

That's...disappointing

It's seems like no matter what I might think one day... a day or two later I realize what an idiot I can be.
I get my hopes up...for what?  Just to get them stomped on and brought back down to reality.  People disappoint you.  Consistently.

Maybe you're on to something.  Maybe I should just blockade my heart, my emotions, my ability to hope, behind a fortress.  Maybe you could teach me how to do that.  How to convince myself I don't care...don't give a damn.  I'm beginning to see the upside to shutting that down. That can't possibly hurt as much as this does.

But if/when I do...it will shut down completely.  Good luck getting it back into the light of day.  My heart is kinda stubborn like that.  And right now...it's kind of shattered.

Best. Lunch. Ever.

You can't possibly know how much it meant to me that you made time for me today at lunch. You really made me feel special and cared about.

It was by far the best lunch date I've ever had.  You're amazing.  I kind of adore you.  Heavy emphasis on the adore part. ;-)