Movies have it right...

We often sit around and kill ourselves
...emotionally...
with over-analyzing things.  I know I do.  You pointed that out to me on many occasions. :) And I admit. I analyzed what happened for a few days.  Then I let it go.  It doesn't matter how or why it happened.  What matters is that it did...and now it's over.  And I can handle that.  I can put that behind me and move on.  But the flashbacks.  Those damned things are beyond my control.

And they are just like the flashbacks you see in movies...those snippets of scenes that replay in our minds...yeah, they happen.  You close your eyes and the memories flash across in technicolor.

A vision of our hands as you hold yours up to mine and laugh at how you can close your fingers over the tips of my small hand and then our fingers intertwine.

You standing behind me smiling as I stand at the bathroom mirror. Being playful on the couch while watching Ridiculousness. A candlelit bathroom. You yelling into your phone thinking the louder you are the easier it is for Google to understand you. The feel of your kiss on my forehead. Everything about October 5th...and so many more.

Yeah...those flashbacks you see movie characters deal with.  That's pretty accurate.  Sometimes having such a great memory isn't a blessing.  It's a curse.  But I wouldn't trade a single memory for anything.  Well...except maybe for those last few.  They kinda sucked.  If anyone wants to trade a few good ones for those...I'd be willing to negotiate.

I take it back...

:::sigh:::

Garble Garble

I guess I just don't know what to say that hasn't already been said.
Hence the Garbling.
Yes...it still makes me smile.  That word (garble).  It was always kind of adorable when you'd get tongue tied and shy and that would come spilling out instead of what you really may have wanted to say. :)

Don't get me wrong.  This isn't one of those heartbroken, gut wrenched posts.  I'm fine.  I really am.  But that doesn't mean I don't miss talking and laughing with you.  I do.

I miss your way of making a boring day seem ridiculously entertaining.  I miss your quick wit. I miss being able to send you texts about inappropriate things that make me laugh.  I miss my friend....and Scrabble.  I really miss having someone to play Scrabble with who doesn't suck royally.  Seriously.

Oh well...garble garble garble garble....

Beauty From the Pain

They say your best writing comes from pain.
That's right.  Pain.
Think about it. Some of the best songs, poems, works of literature, all came from the fingertips of a gut-wrenched, heart-broken artist.

But there is beauty in the pain because there is life.  Not one of us can walk through this world without experiencing pain at some point.  And why would we want to?

Yes, every time our heart gets torn, or ripped to shreds, every time you feel the stab of a silver bladed tongue...it hurts.  But we heal. And when we do, there are scars.  Those scars are there for a reason.  Sometimes they protect us, keep the next attack from penetrating the scar tissue and therefore lessening the ache.  Sometimes they are simply there to remind us, to help us remember where we've been and keep us from making the wrong choices again.  Because the first time...it's a mistake.  The second time...it's a choice.

And as I was writing today, I realized how true a concept it is that some of my best work has come from a deep, dark place.  A place filled with raw emotion.  And isn't that the best kind of emotion? Raw. True. Realistic.  You can't fake that.  You can't pretend when those emotions flow onto paper.  They are real.  And real is more powerful than anything you could conjure up in your imagination.

With that said.  I have done some of my best writing the last 2 months. It's how I have coped.  It's how I've moved beyond the pain.  It's how I've talked to you and told you what I was feeling, without actually talking to you. It's how I've realized I will always miss our conversations, our connection, our times together...in some small way.  But it's also how I've come to see that I deserve so much more than you were capable of giving me at the time.

And all I can hope for right now is that God has something amazing planned from the choices I will make moving forward.
Beauty from the pain.

And We're Walking, We're Walking and...

...I might be "moving right along" but the damned scenery still reminds me of you at most every turn.

Even that hot guy...yeah, I went out with him.  But regardless of the fact that he looked a hell of a lot like Marky Mark (and you know I'm a fan of Mr. Wahlberg), all I could think about the entire date was you. And how dude would have probably needed the entire Funky Bunch to back him up enough to make me laugh and carry on even half the conversation you and I used to have.

I miss that.  I won't settle for anything less than that.

And those walls I used to give you grief about.  I learned a thing or two about construction from you.  Someone is going to need one hell of a wrecking ball.  I mean...I turned down another date with Marky Mark for heaven's sake.  Seriously.

It seems at this point, time is going to be both a friend and an enemy.  The more that passes, the less it hurts and the easier it is to walk among the scenery, think about you and smile.  However, the more that passes, the easier it is to get comfortable behind the walls, and fortify them.  I can't stop walking, though, can I?