What I Want...

I want to be there when you decide it's okay to swim in the deep end of the pool.
I want to be the one jumping in with you.
I want to be the shoulder you lean on when you need one.
I want to be the best Best Friend you've ever had.
I want to be the smile and the kiss that is always on your lips.
I want to be the one that didn't get away.

It's Not Me...It's You

It's a little ridiculous, really.  How giddy and school-girlish I get when I know I'm going to get to see you. You would think after all these months, it would have dwindled.  I think it's gotten worse.

Oddly enough...your birthday is coming up and I'm actually looking forward to spending hours in the kitchen to cook something for you because I think you'll love it.  Something must be wrong with me. :)

Or not.  Maybe it's not me...maybe it's just you. :)

What level does that put us on?

We seem to reach different levels in life without ever realizing it's happened.

Relationships are no different.

Love isn't either.

It's taken me a while, and an insane amount of life experience, to be able to see the variations.  Truth be told, there is no way I'd have been able to see it when I was 20 years old.  I didn't have the experiences to compare.  I couldn't look back and see how one level was different from another. 

It's crystal now. 

When I was 20...actually, even 5 years ago, if you'd have asked me what real love was about, I could have given you a deep, profound response.  A writer's response.  One influenced by the media, love stories I've read, songs I've listened to.  In other words...a skewed, manipulated response. 

That was then.
Then it would have been about how it felt.  How it made me feel.  I would have  described it in a way that really would have been more superficial than in-depth.

Today, I see it differently.  But even with my penchant for words, I'm not sure I can explain it in a way that will give it life or do it justice.  Today, I see it as being about the connection.  And it isn't the physical connection, at least not the sexually physical type.  Don't get me wrong...that is amazing with the right person.  But in order for that aspect to amaze, you have to connect on other levels first. 

I realized this recently and somewhat by accident, really.  Isn't that how it always happens?  When you're looking for answers or epiphanies, they rarely ever show themselves...but try to clear your mind and fall asleep at night and suddenly you're inundated with a writer's equivalent to Einstein's Theory of Relativity.  Answers.  To questions you probably didn't even realize you had.  But there they are.  Staring you down.  Daring you to acknowledge them.  So I did.

What I acknowledged is this:  When I'm not with him, I miss him.  And I can honestly say that I miss him.  Not the idea of him.  Not how he makes me feel or what he does for me.  Not just the idea of having someone in my life, but HIM.  The person he is.  Even if I don't get to see him, I want to talk to him.  I want to laugh with him and hear about his day.  I just want that interaction with him.  When something happens during my day, he is the first person I want to tell about it.  Even if it's something ridiculous.  Okay, that's not really a fair statement because if it's something ridiculous, I especially want to tell him.  Ridiculousness is kind of our thing. :)  

The point is this...looking back over other relationships I've had, I can see the difference.  I can see that before it was all about feelings.  But that's just one level...it's when you move beyond that level that things get real.  Things get interesting.  And they can get scary.  I admit, he scares me a little...mainly because I don't want to imagine my life without him.  Even if I could never kiss him again, fall asleep with my head resting on his chest, be entangled in his embrace...those wouldn't be the things I missed most.  It would be our conversations, the time I get to spend laughing with him, just being with him.  His friendship...that's what means the most to me.  And because of that level, every other level of connection I have with him is that much more amazing. 

You're My Snowstorm

I was putting some things away today, things I felt I had outgrown or that had lost sentimental value to me.  One of the things I came across was a snowglobe.  I don't remember where I got it or who gave it to me, but I remember collecting them as a child.  They mesmerized me.  We didn't get much snow where I lived when I was growing up and I was always fascinated by it.  It was always so purely beautiful.

Enter the snowglobe collection.  It was a reminder of possibilities.  Snow was elusive, but possible under the right conditions.  Holding that snowglobe made me think of you.  In more than just one way.  Not only are you elusive (but possible, I believe)...there's something else.

I think it comes down to this: Just as you entered my life in the same manner, snow begins harmlessly.  Tiny flakes.  They fall and fall and often melt when they hit the ground.  You don't think twice about them at first.  It's a beautiful thing to watch, and then you settle in, you go about your day inside the comfort of your home...doing your thing.  Time passes without a second thought to what's happening beyond your walls.  When you finally take a look outside, everything is covered in white.  You're surrounded.

And thus the comparison to you.  I really can't even tell you when you became so important to me.  You were like the snow falling.  Tiny flake after tiny flake fell.  Moment after moment you became a bigger part of my life.  It added up without my realizing it.  Before I knew what had happened, I was surrounded and heart deep in possibility.  In something beautiful but still somewhat elusive.  Even now, you continue to pile up around me and there's nothing I can really do about it, is there?  Because, how do you stop snow from falling?

I know snowstorms can be dangerous.  Treacherous even.  But the end result can be a beautiful thing.

You're my snowstorm.

I Don't Want You

I don't want to control you,
or change you,
or make demands of you.

I don't want to be responsible for you,
or cling to you,
or need you to feel okay about me.

I just want to hold your hand,
lay my head on your chest,
enjoy the comfort of what he have.

I want to watch you smile,
hear you laugh,
share with you the moments life allows me.

But most of all...
I just want you.

If I Wrote Your Name

If I wrote down your name
for every thought of you today
I could fill this page
and the next
and the next.
There’s just something about you
and the way you make me feel
something different
something scary
something extraordinary.
I can’t fall for you.
You’ll break my heart.
Part of me knows you could
knows I should walk away
knows I should save myself
but I can’t.
I can’t not talk to you.
I can’t stop hoping you’ll call.
I can’t stop thinking about you.
My heart won’t let me.
But I can’t tell you,
I can’t show you.
So for now...
I’ll just keep it to myself.

Something Between Your Words

Have you every had one of those people in your life that you have this amazing connection with and being with them, around them, talking to them is just...well...easy.  It just feels right.

But, then, after a while you start to sense that something's off a little.  You know nothing has changed on the surface, but there is something lingering just beneath it.  Just out of reach.

The truth is...you confuse the hell out of me sometimes. But still you say and do things that draw me closer to you.  I might never understand what you do to me...or how you really feel about me.  But I know you feel something.  I hear that between your words...I hear it in your actions. In the way you hold me.  Kiss me. Make love to me.  There's something there.  Something more than you are willing to say aloud.


There is something in the words you say

Something I can’t hear
I couldn’t say just what it is
That aches to draw me near
There is something in the words you say
Something cool yet hot
Whispering through a distance
That somehow time forgot
There is something in the words you say
Something I believe
Is hiding between syllables
And lines, and underneath.
Yes, there is something in the words you say
Something I can’t find
I just can’t put my finger on
What’s said between the lines

Adult Conversation

Ok...obviously, you prefer to not lose me. And I'm good with that. I'm even better with how upfront you were and how you actually talked to me.

Having an adult conversation with someone isn't typically an easy task.  Like it or not, most "adults" don't really know how to behave as such.  Especially if there are feelings and emotions involved.

Yesterday was very likely the best adult conversation I've ever had with a man about my relationship with him.  I know...you don't like the word "relationship."  But like it or not, we have one.  It isn't the fully committed, spend the holidays with each other's family type of relationship, but according to Merriam-Webster...well...

1. a romantic or sexual friendship between two people

2. the way in which two or more people or things are connected

Suck it.  It's a relationship...lol.

So anyway...best adult conversation.  I didn't have to deal with petty excuses about this or that.  I didn't have to listen to you whine or hide behind your walls.  No, you just said what was on your mind and listened to me as I spoke what was on mine.  It was refreshing. And I walked away with a better understanding of "us"...and of you, really. 

And the truth is, I didn't think it was possible, but I actually have more respect for you as a man than I did before we talked.  Go figure. 

Lions & Tigers & Feelings, Oh My!

What the hell are you so afraid of?


Did someone really hurt you so badly that you can't tell someone you care about how you feel about them?   Are you so covered in scars that you don't recognize a genuine heart when it deeply cares about you?  Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?  Not that you won't let me inside those walls you have built around your heart...but that you won't even let your own heart out.  It hurts me, because that means you are hurt.  And you are continuing to hurt yourself without even realizing it. 

I care enough about you that I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me.  But if you don't get beyond whatever it is that is causing you to hold back telling someone how you feel...you will never have that.  You might be happy on the surface, but you're going to wake up one day and face the regret.  You're going to miss someone...someone you let slip away because you didn't/couldn't/wouldn't tell her how you felt or share just a little more of you with her.

You don't have to be in love with someone to tell them how you feel about them.  Love isn't always like we writers tell it in the story books.  Sometimes, you just care deeply, you just want to be with someone, spend time with them, immerse yourself in every moment you get with them.  That doesn't mean it's love...but it's something.  It's something you should tell them about.  And something is always so much better than nothing.  Because nothing is what you find yourself with if you don't.

But the truth is...it's isn't just about you not being able to tell me (or anyone) how you feel.  I don't necessarily need you to tell me.  I know you care about me.  I can feel it when we're together.  It's that every time we get closer, every time I can feel our connection get a little stronger...you retreat into your shell.  You back off.  Fewer texts, fewer phone calls.  You practically disappear. 

I can understand if you're scared.  I'm scared too.  But I'm more afraid of not living, of not experiencing the emotions and the happiness I find myself engulfed in when I'm with you.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to find this feeling somewhere else, with someone else. But that wouldn't be easy.  You're big shoes to fill. And that isn't what I want right now.

The sad part is, you have a woman in your grasp who is probably the least likely to ever hurt you, the most likely to do all she can to make you happy, a woman who understands who you are and doesn't want to change you...and you are going to let her slip away. 

Or is it just that I'm not that special (in your eyes, of course...because I'm special as f*#k)...

Regardless, I will move forward.  I will still be who I am - the happy, glass is always half full, positive, somewhat hyper, unpredictable bundle of energy I have always been.  But if you can't show me I'm important to you...someone else will just get to experience the thrill ride that is "Me."  Scary as that ride can be sometimes, it's never dull.

It's About to go Down

One way or another...things are about to change.

Walls will either crumble or raise themselves higher.

You are going to have to search yourself, dig deep, and make a decision.  And I can't help but wonder...what are you going to be more afraid of?  Sharing a bit of your soul, or losing me?

Fear of the Unknown

I admit it.  I’m a little scared.  There isn’t much that scares me either, so this is definitely an accomplishment on your part.  And this is one of those varieties of scared that can go either way.  It can be a good thing or a not so good thing.  That ball is in your court.  Which is why it scares me.  It’s that fear of the unknown thing I hear so much about but usually think is BS.  I feel like I should take back every time I’ve said that about someone’s fear now.  It’s real. 

Anyone who knows me well (and you do), knows that I roll with the punches.  I take life as it comes at me and I make the best of what it gives me.  Life gave me you and I have been taking it for what it is and enjoying the hell out of every moment.  The problem is, in the process, I’ve grown to want more of those moments to enjoy.  And now I am not so sure you feel the same . . . hence the unknown factor here.  I don’t want my happy moments to be taken away.  I don’t want them to dwindle until there are weeks in between, then nothing at all.  I deserve more than that.  And yes, I could easily and quickly find someone else to occupy my time with and I’m certain I’d enjoy myself.  I always try to.  But below the surface, it wouldn’t be the same.  It wouldn’t be you.  And that would be doubly terrible . . . because I’m not going to find another you and you are definitely not going to find another me. I do hope you think about that while you’re processing.  Because just as much as I want to be happy . . . I want you to be happy too.  So you have to ask yourself, do I make you happy enough to want more of those moments?    

Confession - not just for Catholics

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect.
But if he can make you laugh at least once,
causes you to think twice,
and if he admits to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto him and give him the most you can.
He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.
Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give.
Don’t analyze.
Smile when he makes you happy,
yell when he makes you mad,
and miss him when he’s not there."

So...I can't help but wonder if maybe Bob Marley was a little more brilliant than people gave him credit for.  I mean...I'm not really a fan of his music.  Some of it's okay, but it's just not my thing.  However, in recent years I've seen more and more quotes by him, and...well...the man was pretty danged profound. 

This particular quote hits home in my life...right now.  Especially that part in red...yeah...he was talking to me.  I do that.  A lot.  Just ask B.A. (the man in my life).  I'm sure he will (with hidden enthusiasm) agree - he's a smart man, he would never publicly show how enthusiastically he agrees with something negative about me...one of many reasons I keep him. ;)

What I like most about these words are that they don't get all mushy gooey lovey dovey.  Ya know, every relationship isn't that way, but you don't often see quotes or poems about those.  No.  Seems like every quote or poem posted on Facebook or greeting cards or wherever is all about undying love flowing from fiery depths of more undying love.  I know...I'm being a little snarky.  You can't possibly be surprised. 

My point is this (and here's the confession) - this quote, these words...fit perfectly with what I have right now.  And it's not all roses and candlelight...but it's real.  He makes me laugh. He makes me think twice - sometimes more than twice.  Neither of us are perfect.  I am in NO way expecting him to quote poetry to me (unless it possibly begins with "There was an old man from Nantucket"). I know he doesn't think of me every minute of the day...I hope he doesn't. Every 30 minutes is just fine <grin>.  Truth be known...I'm not even too sure he's (even subconsciously) offered any part of himself I could "break."  But I have no intentions of hurting him or changing him.  I adore who he is.  Why would I want to change that?  He makes me happy.  He makes me smile.  And yes...I even miss him when he's not with me, though I have rarely admitted that to him - or myself for that matter.  So...I guess ol' Bob was on to something.  Who knows, maybe I am too.


I have to ask though...am I the only one singing "Every little thing...is gonna be alright" in a ridiculously bad Jamaican accent right now?  Don't judge.  It's the only one I know.

Comfort is Overrated

I've come to the conclusion that comfort is overrated.
I don't want life to be comfortable.
I want my life to be lived with reckless abandon.
I want to be fearless.
I want to stand at the edge of every day and see the possibility that comes with not staying in my comfort zone.
You aren't going to find your dreams in your comfort zone.
Those dreams are reserved for when you're sleeping.
The real dreams...the ones that come true, the ones that you fight for, the ones that are worth the fight...those are the ones you find when your eyes are wide open.
So, I don't want my life to be comfortable.
I want it to be poetic.
I want to spend it chasing my dreams to the ends of the earth.

Brick Mason Wanted...Inquire Within

Brick Mason Wanted
Full time.
Must have experience with complex and extensive repairs.
New construction might be necessary as well.
Demolition experience could be invaluable.
Start immediately!

So...I'm in the market for a brick mason. Because apparently I'm not doing a very good job at building my own walls - or keeping them sound for that matter.  And God knows I've been failing miserably at tearing yours down.  Some days I'm not even sure if I've been putting any chips in them.

When it comes to my walls...I think it's safe to say that you're already too close for me to keep you away from the areas where you can cause damage.  The thing is, part of me wants to leave myself open - follow my own advice and let you in.  Consequences be damned.  Another part is all about self-preservation.  Protecting my heart from the onslaught that I know is possible if we don't feel the same way down the road - if you don't feel the way I do.  What gets me is this - I think you do...you're just afraid to admit it or show it - even to yourself.  Clearly more afraid than I am.  Because I'm all about telling you how hard I've fallen for you...but I won't.  I don't want to see those walls go up stronger and taller than they have been.  I would hate to see all the progress we've made pushed aside by stone and morter just because I told you how much I care about you.  If I could find a way to stop myself from falling more into you while I'm waiting for you to catch up with yourself...that would be helpful.  I'm not holding my breath though.  Sadly, I know myself too well.  I know my heart too well.  The walls are down and you've already stormed the castle.  Looks like maybe it's a little late for that brick mason after all.  Oh well...maybe next time. If there is a next time.

The "Here and Now"

Sometimes in life things happen.
Sometimes you never see it coming.
Sometimes...you don’t want to.
What fun would it be to always know?
Had I known all the heartaches I would endure
I may have tried to avoid them.
Then who would I be?
Would I be the person you are so captivated by?
If I could do it over,
I wouldn’t change a thing.
Every broken promise,
every painful heartache,
every regret, brought me to this moment,
to this place where you are.
And though I have no way of seeing tomorrow
or any tomorrow after that
I am happy in the ‘here and now.’
No matter what the future holds
I am better for knowing you.

Charging ahead...

Sometimes I really don’t know what to think or do.  I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a maze with walls so high around me there is no way I could ever climb up to get a look at which way I should go.  My sense of direction has betrayed me and the sun is slowly setting, bringing on the darkness, waiting for you to bring a lantern to show me the way. 

Where do I go, what do I do? 

Part of me wants to charge into the unknown, consequences be damned. 

Part of me wants to slide down in a corner and wait to see if some abrupt revelation will crash into me.  Neither overwhelms me to action more than my fear of watching what I want slip away if I do. So I just stand at the intersection of confusion and bliss.  And wait.

So here's the plan...

I write.
Anyone who knows me, knows this.

But not simply books or articles...I write all kinds of things.  Sarcastic one liners, poetry, song lyrics, grocery lists...I could go on.  The point is, on my writing blog I like to focus on my musings as a novelist and author in general. Here...anything goes.  Because, well...that's just how I roll.

And yes...I'm aware that this will likely be mainly for me...to get it out of my system, to vent, to lay what's on my heart out for the world to stomp on...whatever.

The way I see it, I'm beginning a new life...I should set it in black and white.

So...grab some popcorn, sit back and enjoy the show.