Adult Conversation

Ok...obviously, you prefer to not lose me. And I'm good with that. I'm even better with how upfront you were and how you actually talked to me.

Having an adult conversation with someone isn't typically an easy task.  Like it or not, most "adults" don't really know how to behave as such.  Especially if there are feelings and emotions involved.

Yesterday was very likely the best adult conversation I've ever had with a man about my relationship with him.  I know...you don't like the word "relationship."  But like it or not, we have one.  It isn't the fully committed, spend the holidays with each other's family type of relationship, but according to Merriam-Webster...well...

1. a romantic or sexual friendship between two people

2. the way in which two or more people or things are connected

Suck it.  It's a relationship...lol.

So anyway...best adult conversation.  I didn't have to deal with petty excuses about this or that.  I didn't have to listen to you whine or hide behind your walls.  No, you just said what was on your mind and listened to me as I spoke what was on mine.  It was refreshing. And I walked away with a better understanding of "us"...and of you, really. 

And the truth is, I didn't think it was possible, but I actually have more respect for you as a man than I did before we talked.  Go figure. 

Lions & Tigers & Feelings, Oh My!

What the hell are you so afraid of?


Did someone really hurt you so badly that you can't tell someone you care about how you feel about them?   Are you so covered in scars that you don't recognize a genuine heart when it deeply cares about you?  Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?  Not that you won't let me inside those walls you have built around your heart...but that you won't even let your own heart out.  It hurts me, because that means you are hurt.  And you are continuing to hurt yourself without even realizing it. 

I care enough about you that I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me.  But if you don't get beyond whatever it is that is causing you to hold back telling someone how you feel...you will never have that.  You might be happy on the surface, but you're going to wake up one day and face the regret.  You're going to miss someone...someone you let slip away because you didn't/couldn't/wouldn't tell her how you felt or share just a little more of you with her.

You don't have to be in love with someone to tell them how you feel about them.  Love isn't always like we writers tell it in the story books.  Sometimes, you just care deeply, you just want to be with someone, spend time with them, immerse yourself in every moment you get with them.  That doesn't mean it's love...but it's something.  It's something you should tell them about.  And something is always so much better than nothing.  Because nothing is what you find yourself with if you don't.

But the truth is...it's isn't just about you not being able to tell me (or anyone) how you feel.  I don't necessarily need you to tell me.  I know you care about me.  I can feel it when we're together.  It's that every time we get closer, every time I can feel our connection get a little stronger...you retreat into your shell.  You back off.  Fewer texts, fewer phone calls.  You practically disappear. 

I can understand if you're scared.  I'm scared too.  But I'm more afraid of not living, of not experiencing the emotions and the happiness I find myself engulfed in when I'm with you.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to find this feeling somewhere else, with someone else. But that wouldn't be easy.  You're big shoes to fill. And that isn't what I want right now.

The sad part is, you have a woman in your grasp who is probably the least likely to ever hurt you, the most likely to do all she can to make you happy, a woman who understands who you are and doesn't want to change you...and you are going to let her slip away. 

Or is it just that I'm not that special (in your eyes, of course...because I'm special as f*#k)...

Regardless, I will move forward.  I will still be who I am - the happy, glass is always half full, positive, somewhat hyper, unpredictable bundle of energy I have always been.  But if you can't show me I'm important to you...someone else will just get to experience the thrill ride that is "Me."  Scary as that ride can be sometimes, it's never dull.

It's About to go Down

One way or another...things are about to change.

Walls will either crumble or raise themselves higher.

You are going to have to search yourself, dig deep, and make a decision.  And I can't help but wonder...what are you going to be more afraid of?  Sharing a bit of your soul, or losing me?

Fear of the Unknown

I admit it.  I’m a little scared.  There isn’t much that scares me either, so this is definitely an accomplishment on your part.  And this is one of those varieties of scared that can go either way.  It can be a good thing or a not so good thing.  That ball is in your court.  Which is why it scares me.  It’s that fear of the unknown thing I hear so much about but usually think is BS.  I feel like I should take back every time I’ve said that about someone’s fear now.  It’s real. 

Anyone who knows me well (and you do), knows that I roll with the punches.  I take life as it comes at me and I make the best of what it gives me.  Life gave me you and I have been taking it for what it is and enjoying the hell out of every moment.  The problem is, in the process, I’ve grown to want more of those moments to enjoy.  And now I am not so sure you feel the same . . . hence the unknown factor here.  I don’t want my happy moments to be taken away.  I don’t want them to dwindle until there are weeks in between, then nothing at all.  I deserve more than that.  And yes, I could easily and quickly find someone else to occupy my time with and I’m certain I’d enjoy myself.  I always try to.  But below the surface, it wouldn’t be the same.  It wouldn’t be you.  And that would be doubly terrible . . . because I’m not going to find another you and you are definitely not going to find another me. I do hope you think about that while you’re processing.  Because just as much as I want to be happy . . . I want you to be happy too.  So you have to ask yourself, do I make you happy enough to want more of those moments?    

Confession - not just for Catholics

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect.
But if he can make you laugh at least once,
causes you to think twice,
and if he admits to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto him and give him the most you can.
He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.
Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give.
Don’t analyze.
Smile when he makes you happy,
yell when he makes you mad,
and miss him when he’s not there."

So...I can't help but wonder if maybe Bob Marley was a little more brilliant than people gave him credit for.  I mean...I'm not really a fan of his music.  Some of it's okay, but it's just not my thing.  However, in recent years I've seen more and more quotes by him, and...well...the man was pretty danged profound. 

This particular quote hits home in my life...right now.  Especially that part in red...yeah...he was talking to me.  I do that.  A lot.  Just ask B.A. (the man in my life).  I'm sure he will (with hidden enthusiasm) agree - he's a smart man, he would never publicly show how enthusiastically he agrees with something negative about me...one of many reasons I keep him. ;)

What I like most about these words are that they don't get all mushy gooey lovey dovey.  Ya know, every relationship isn't that way, but you don't often see quotes or poems about those.  No.  Seems like every quote or poem posted on Facebook or greeting cards or wherever is all about undying love flowing from fiery depths of more undying love.  I know...I'm being a little snarky.  You can't possibly be surprised. 

My point is this (and here's the confession) - this quote, these words...fit perfectly with what I have right now.  And it's not all roses and candlelight...but it's real.  He makes me laugh. He makes me think twice - sometimes more than twice.  Neither of us are perfect.  I am in NO way expecting him to quote poetry to me (unless it possibly begins with "There was an old man from Nantucket"). I know he doesn't think of me every minute of the day...I hope he doesn't. Every 30 minutes is just fine <grin>.  Truth be known...I'm not even too sure he's (even subconsciously) offered any part of himself I could "break."  But I have no intentions of hurting him or changing him.  I adore who he is.  Why would I want to change that?  He makes me happy.  He makes me smile.  And yes...I even miss him when he's not with me, though I have rarely admitted that to him - or myself for that matter.  So...I guess ol' Bob was on to something.  Who knows, maybe I am too.


I have to ask though...am I the only one singing "Every little thing...is gonna be alright" in a ridiculously bad Jamaican accent right now?  Don't judge.  It's the only one I know.

Comfort is Overrated

I've come to the conclusion that comfort is overrated.
I don't want life to be comfortable.
I want my life to be lived with reckless abandon.
I want to be fearless.
I want to stand at the edge of every day and see the possibility that comes with not staying in my comfort zone.
You aren't going to find your dreams in your comfort zone.
Those dreams are reserved for when you're sleeping.
The real dreams...the ones that come true, the ones that you fight for, the ones that are worth the fight...those are the ones you find when your eyes are wide open.
So, I don't want my life to be comfortable.
I want it to be poetic.
I want to spend it chasing my dreams to the ends of the earth.